im tired

i've been pondering whether to write about this. i am quite hesitant to do it but this is my blog, right? and i should be free to write about anything coz if not, this blog is meaningless (and should be shut down immediately). well, i guess coz now, i just don't care. im tired. for the longest time ive been trying to repair something that seems to be too hard to fix.

whatever i do, things just don't seem to work. it's like im playing the part of an ill doer asking for forgiveness from a stone or as a criminal being avoided but well in fact i know deep in my heart that i don't deserve any of those.

we live only once and i don't want to spend my life chasing after people who do not consider what i consider as important, who could drop you like a hot potato anytime and take you back whenever like there's nothing that has happen. i have feelings too, right?

i just don't deserve it.

im tired.

i think this has finally got it's toll on me.

im stopping now.


maybe it's time for me to accept that there are things i cannot get back as it used to be. i shouldn't dwell on the past. and that i should accept the fact that not all people value relationships built for years.

i'll take away this thing on my chest that's been hurting me. i shouldn't have allowed it to be there in the first place. it's not even worth it.

so i say, ENOUGH. i'm tired. i'm moving on. and i make no apology with the way things has turned out with me.



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nothing's ever built to last

eksena sa ROD call room:
cy: one- twenty one guns...
me: tungkol ba saan yang song na yan?
lucky: oo nga
cy: ewan ko. basta kinakanta ko lang





i heart this version




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tic talk ala chika minute

i had buckets of sweat yesterday despite the aircon. it's the first time i drove borgy all by myself yesterday. thanks to my super bait ambulance driver who was so supportive. i drove in a convoy with him driving the ambulance. it was scary but i think i had been more aware of my mistakes.

i wish i can have a picture with borgy and make it my profile pic in fb but my 'official photographer' is a little busy. well i might do that myself over the weekend coz ive been missing doing the clickin. i wont do it to brag about having a car though i confess i am a little but i am just a proud momma! and borgy and me, we're together everyday for almost a week now. he's my constant date to work, hee hee.

parang ang bilis ng oras, ano? it's mid june already! i am dragging myself to read harrison everyday and scare myself that ive got a few months left to prepare. it also excites me that it will only be a few weeks before i ride my first airbus! awww i feel pitied now. i have rode everything but the airbus. im more excited than scared because ill be doing it by myself. haha.

i remember last week, i went out to watch satc2 with kla, one of my hs buddies whom i haven't seen for ages. we were supposed to be a group but ended up with only the two of us because of last minute cancellation from rhodsie and master neil due to health issues and stuff. hope that when the next twilight installment comes, we will be a group watching. oh i just love reunions now. catching up on each other's lives and at the same time reminiscing the old times. i have been skyping with my dear bestfriend zel whom i haven't spoke to in ages also and i was so amazed with how much she has matured! she was our baby back then but now, she's the one giving me advices on love and life in general. i miss her. i miss how i loved huggin her back then. ang lambot nya kase. hehe. (peace!!!) next week ill attend the wedding of mark, a friend i had way back in elementary. it's gonna be a sweet reunion after more than a decade of not seeing each other and a sad despedida coz he and his wifey are migrating to canada. next month, i'll be flying to visit my college dorm buddy who's down south. and i promised to go out with another college friend when she comes home in aug. i would love to fetch her from the airport. how i wish i can drive in the metro by that time harhar.

ok time to go now. hope next time there will be pictures.

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im in love!

you know how it feels when your heart skip the moment you lay eyes on something that's really wonderful? i had that feeling a while ago and i knew i am in love!

honestly, i am not a fan of rubber shoes. i just have a pair of nike tennis shoes just in case i feel the urge to jog and that's all. but when i saw these converse high cut rubber shoes (dont know what they're called) i was mesmerized. i know i must have 'em.

yep, i tried it on. i heart this color!!!

gorgeous, isn't it?

when i looked at the price tag, my heart sank. i don't have enough moolah to take it home (awwwww....snif snif) hay. i was wishing for fairy godmother to appear and buy me that shoe. hayz. well if there's anyone out there, im size 36.5. please be my fairy godmother!




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happiness is this deep

happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

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got a new baby

yup, that's right. but apparently, all the current speculations from my friends with regards to who or what this baby is, are wrong.

hindi sya tao, hindi sya hayop. pero bagay- na bagay kami.
inuubos nya ang pera ko at napapagod ang mga binti ko pag kasama ko sya (no pun intended).

it doesn't breathe but it has a name. i named it Borgy. why? coz i remember, one of my fellow docs in the first hospital i worked in told me that if i'll get a car, i should name it Borgy and so i did. Yup, i just got a car this week. Borgy's birth date is actually may 31, 2010. he's a handsome toyota corolla gli wide body. i still don't have a picture with him yet. i wanted master neil to do the honors in doing the photo shoot. neil, up to now believes that Borgy is my new boyfriend. LOL.





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LSS

kanina ko pa to pinapaulit ulit. haha. heard it while at work so i looked it up in youtube. hay. i just love listening to it. parang ang sarap sarap ma-inlove hihihi.



dont mind the lyrics though. parang joke kase eh. haha. i wish i can find a piano piece of this. i want to learn how to play this song. pramis!




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and how can i forget you

scooby, the wonder dog in our dorm. he's a snobbish dog who runs after all the non-dormers. he was the only dog i liked coz the first time he saw me, he didn't scare me out. i guess he knew what a future dormer will look and smell like.




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paalam at maraming salamat

yes. the time has come for me to leave the place that provided me comfort and solace. i could recall how sad and hurt i was from all the things that had happened before the last year ended and during the first few months of this year in addition to the dissatisfaction i got from my so called job and catatonic/ sedentary lifestyle. one day came that i finally said to myself "enough." i looked for a job, then the next day the chief of clinics called me up and told me ill be starting after three days. fast and crazy as it may seem but i knew that was 'it'. no turning back.



it was the first week of march and the summer's heat was just setting in. the hospital is an hour ride from the pier to the hospital. as i see the place, i realized what i have been asking was given to me... to be in a far away island and enjoy the rush of the ocean. truly, ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.

my stay there though brief gave me a lot of good memories. i have also met a lot of good people, and gained friends. i am also grateful given the chance to practice my profession there. i have learned a lot from two great consultants who were my mentors in internal medicine (i was resident in charge of the department of internal medicine during my stay there) and all the other consultants. they have always been there for us. i must say, going there is one of the best decisions i have made. it was nice going out of one's comfort zone. challenging one's self and knowing what you are made of is already a reward in itself.

now the time has come to move on. i had to give up my job there because i will be needing time to study for the exams and for the residency training itself. i wont go jobless though. i have already accepted to be a regular physician in a health insurance clinic just near my place (that was my other job in between my duties down south). it doesn't pay much but it's so benign and conducive for studying. that is already fair enough for me.

i will miss my friends though, especially my two roommates.




...and also our dorm we fondly call our little house





i will also miss our pleasure trips we do on our free days.



and the cheap but cute clothes in the town. the place has no department stores and no malls but some of the clothes we've found were treasures!




i wore this today in the clinic and matched it with my celine wedges. i bought the dress for only a hundred and seventy bucks. that's mamburao fashion at its finest. haha.

i will miss you, mamburao!





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ang init sa tuguegarao!

i was late. i thought i was going to be here 3 months ago but for some unexpected and not so good turn of events, i was not able to fulfill my promise until much later.

mom, who also promised to visit Our Lady in Piat, was reluctant to go but after what had happened to me when i returned from mindoro (i had an encounter with mandurukot/hold-uppers. they were about 4-5 men), i took it as a sign that we should go and do it also as a sign of gratitude for keeping me safe and unharmed. i was very lucky indeed because my whole salary was with me at that time and my lumix too.

so mom, brother and me went there on a saturday to catch the sunday mass. mom wanted that we leave in the morning so we can enjoy the view. it's my first time to go to that side of the north and all i can say is, anlayo nya huh. i can reach ilocos norte in 10 hours but it took us 12 hours to reach cagayan valley even on a deluxe bus. but the view was also great. it's really a thrill going up north.

the view from nueva vizcaya

welcome to isabela province

all these i took while the bus was moving. lucky me i was able to take these shots. thanks to lumix too.

it's a wonderful feeling having knelt before Our Lady. the time i spent with her in the basilica was brief but worthwhile. i would have loved to stay a little longer but the weather was just too hot for me to endure. our little boy, mat, was not able to take it too. he got sick and so we left right after the mass. but it's ok. i know it wont be the last time i will visit her. i just hope when i come back it will be at the time of the cold season so i can go around and visit the callao caves as well.




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HP currently reads

my new found friend on the other part of the globe recommended that i read one of his favorite books entitled The Master and Margherita. i immediately searched for it in the net and learned that the english translation used my name. i got so intrigued thus i promised myself and my new found friend to look for the book the following day which i did. as i read the first page of the book, i was amused to learn that Bulgakov was a doctor. i hope ill be able to turn more leaves before my new found friend goes online and checked on my reading. LOL.




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bongga!

wow sa june 3 na. im so excited.




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so...

when i get back to manila i'll have another aquino and binay in higher office. it just saddens me how pinoys choose their leaders. the result of the count showed that most choose emotion and popularity (revilla and estrada topping the senatorial race, hello!!! estrada 2nd in the presidential race, ano yan di na natuto) over credibility and track record and so the result, we allowed good things slip through our hands.

im not for gibo but if i have a second choice for president, i'll choose him. i am just moved by one supporter who wrote:

WE MISSED THE FLIGHT
but he gave us hope

the country needs strong leaders if we wanted to uplift our status from being third world. someone who believes in the potential of filipinos and who can mobilize society. i prayed hard for Gordon to win. and if not him, gibo will do.

though both of my favorites didn't make it, i like the way they accepted their defeat. they have shown how noble and fine they are and that's what real men do.

now i pray that the new leaders will serve our country well.





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to my dear old friend

What about now?

What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?

i can't find words to say goodbye coz there's this thought lingering on my mind. i know you won't read this but i still want to post it here anyway... salamat, this song was made coz i can't find the words...




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the old dream still lives on

last night, i was chatting with a new found friend. we were talking about the status he posted in FB.

B: i wanted to live in the province, magkaroon ng isang farm. dun nalang ako kesa dito sa manila. congested. gusto ko lang naman simpleng buhay.
Me: if you want a simple life, you have to have a lot of money. ironic but true... or else wala na mangyayari sa buhay mo kundi kakaisip kung san mo kukunin ang pera pambayad ng kung ano- ano sa buhay, like kuryente, tubig...
B: tama ka... ikaw gano ka simpleng buhay ang gusto mo?
Me: i want to become a plain housewife

that came out spontaneously. i was surprised as he was. i didnt know my old dream (as in nung nagdadalaga pa ko nito) is still there. pero as i have said, to want a simple life means you need to have money in your pocket. hindi totoong hindi kelangan ng pera pag gusto ng simpleng buhay. that's something i learned as i get older. and so, i realized, if i wanted to become a housewife, i should marry a good provider. naku mahirap ata yun. asked if i'll stop practicing, i said i wont. i still want to work because i want to help people. pero sana yung hindi na yung kumita ng pera para mabuhay yung pamilya ko. i wish my will be husband can provide for our family's needs and whatever i earn will be for my family's luxury. hay, sarap mangarap. wish ko lang someday (soon?) magkatotoo.




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