when our eyes met again

i'm from- duty today. since it's sunday, i decided to go home to be with my family. as i was riding the fx, i thought of the scene that happened between me and the one i called my lover in one of my posts here.

i was the floater yesterday and my job is actually to do all the extra jobs outside the D.R. follow- up lab results, release blood for the patients admitted in the D.R., accompany patients to the xray or e.r. trauma in case of a referral, help the ward intern to do referrals, get food at the dietary, buy things for co-interns, residents, and clerk at the D.R. in short aliping sagiguilid.

so there i was walking in the hallways of the ground floor when our paths crossed. i was in a hurry and so was he. our eyes met. i was caught off-guard. i didn't know if im going to smile or greet him. i just stared. i guess he was caught off guard too. i saw the hesitation in his face.

he just stared at me too.

later, i learned that he was the e.r. officer of the day. our duty was getting really toxic. we were already running out of stechers. my friend who was at the I.E. (E.R.) asked me to talk to the ERO to limit patients which i eventually did after a series of deep breathing exercises.

it was casual... and meant nothing.


... back to the fx scene. as i reminisce what happened to me and that guy, i realized that i have something to thank him for. the liplocking thing was the confirmation of my freedom from the past. it was then that i realized that i am already (and truly) ok.

i know he didn't squeal our secret. kuya, being unaware of it, is enough proof for that. knowing him and his boastful, arrogant attitude, i am touched by what he did. maybe it's his way of saying that he truly appreciated the conversation we had at their quarters.

i guess the bottom line is, i felt ashamed of treating him as invincible. after all, he was nice to me din pala.

songs for you

for a few weeks now, ive been in a 'last song syndrome' mode. im singing from my most recent memory of the songs my ear caught somewhere. well some became my favorite since they depict what i feel for someone. hehe. theme song ang dating. here they go:

• sometimes i run/ sometimes i hide/ sometimes i'm scared of you/ but all i really want is to hold you tight/ treat you right/ be with you day and night/ baby all i need is time

• i hate how much i love you, boy/ i cant stand how much i need you/ i hate how much i love you boy/ and i just cant let you know/ that i hate that i love you so

• and i can't get you out of my dreams/now i know that you're a dangerous kind/ and your smile is tattooed on my mind.... yesterday i was feeling sad/ all i do today is trying to be brave/and no melody seems to soothe my mind/ and now i curse you for being so sweet and so kind
• So go on, go on, come on, leave me breathless/Tempt me, tease me, until I can't deny/ This loving feeling/Make me long for your kiss/ Go on (go on), go on (go on)/Yeah.../Come on

and here's the song on the top of my list:

• ang panalangin ko sa habang buhay/ makapiling ka/ makayakap ka/ yan ang panalangin ko/ at hindi papayag ang pusong ito/ mawala ka sa king piling/ mahal ko iyong dinggin

hay. this is really getting weird. it's a nice feeling having a crush once in a while. and its also kinda difficult knowing that the person i have a huge crush on is a total trash. oh well, truth bites. but hey, no one said i can't get kilig in secret. i would fantasize and dream that he's mr. perfect. he's my wish-to-be- perfect guy. i wouldn't hope though that i end up with him coz i know that would be the day that i will start cursing my life. haha. matalino na 'to!

==0==

madel and i started our review for the boards. since news that we got said the ongoing aug boards is really tough. especially anatomy. (i think im going to befriend moore. and really try to have a special relationship with him this time). we started with patho at the beginning of this month. i chose my baby robbins (im trying to read books over reviewers now that i still have the time. focusing on topics or subjects that i'm not good at) and lend her my brs since her sister's still using theirs for her boards. well im nearly towards the end of the book and according to my sched, i should finish it by tomorrow. by monday i'll have pharma. hmm... im sticking on my sched. and so far so good.

trip to batangas

these were some of the pictures from our retreat in calaruega










on our last day, i went to madel's hometown (Bauan, Batangas). on our way there, we get to take a pic of fantasy world.



we had a side trip in taal. this is the taal cathedral. the largest church in asia.

updates updates

• this is my last day as a transplant/vascular intern. tomorrow i'll be rotating in urology.
  
• things i've learned in transplant:
• harvesting a kidney from a cadaver costs 100, 000 php with free air fare (in case the harvest will be done in cebu or davao. pwede na din bicol)
• a kidney transplant is worth a million or more.
• di lang pala kidney transplant ang ginagawa sa NKTI. meron din liver transplant.
  
• ang yayaman talaga ng mga transplant surgeons!!!
• remembering my pedia surg rotation:

this was an explore lap done in an 11 year old kid with a large abdominal mass which is maybe a sarcoma or a teratoma.

recent updates

• im through with my surgery rotation at the eagle last month. and now is my last day in peridatric surgery. since it's sunday today, wala akong pasok hehe. nakaka- high talaga ang mga nakita kong cases sa pedia surgery. dun ako nakakita ng true to life craniopagus (conjoined heads) at hermaphrodite. at iba talaga mag assist sa surgery ng mga bata. kahit exlap na e hindi nauubos ang energy sa kaka- retract. hehe. pero sa isang banda, kawawa naman sila dahil bata pa sila, andami na nila pinagdadaanan sa buhay nila.
  
• nung friday, nag bike kami ni kokoy sa circle. ansaya pala! hehe. inabot na kami ng gabi doon at pagsapit ng dilim e madami akong napansin na mga guys na naka maong at sando with matching maliit na backpack. patambay- tambay lang sila dun at kahit ilang beses na namin sila naiikutan sa aming pagbbike, e andun pa din sila sa may mga bato or bench, nakaupo na parang may hinihintay. tanong: ano kaya ang pakay nila sa circle? at sino kaya ang hinihintay nila? hehe.
  
• may bago na kong baby. dumating na sya! ang puti puti at magaan. ang name nya ay mac. :)
  
• gusto ko mag swimming!!!! wala bang mag- aaya jan?
  

the past few weeks...

airsoft with my boy buds

bicol med mission. picture taken at phivocs viewing deck

my last day at the community. my big group together with the city health officers of marikina

DOH's interns at the lung center's conference

last month, all of us attended the 2- day conference at the Lung Center. we had a lot of fun shopping for freebies. sayang lang some went home early so they weren't included in this pic

“It's a look patients get in their eyes. There is a scent, a smell of death; some kind of 6th sense and when the great beyond is headed for you, you feel it coming.

Dr. Meredith Grey

fragments

"It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reason can be found."


it's my last day here in elaine's apartment. i'll be back home tomorrow. sigh. i wonder how's everybody back home.

==============================

yesterday i was walking in the streets of rizal avenue after my shift in jose reyes. i felt a sense of freedom. i realized, if we are still together, id probably be scared walking on that street alone... but now i know i can do it. and it feels so good.

==============================

i still haven't made up my mind where i 'm gonna apply for internship. hmmm... saan kaya?

==============================

i finished the whole season of grey's. bitin! kelan ba lalabas yung kasunod???

=============================
magaling magdala:
'kakabreak mo lang? di halata. mukhang ok ka naman.'

psyche sub group

these too shall pass

i do not intend to be a snob nor to hurt anybody's feelings for not returning text messages that were sent to me. i know you all care for me a lot but please do know, that inspite of all these things that i'm going through, i truly appreciate your thoughtfulness. you may have known that my relationship is going through tough times and i would not deny that i am deeply hurting because of it. the past has taught me a lot of things and now is the time to show that i have learned a lesson- that running away was never the solution. it may have saved me from grief for sometime but it didn't save me from living each day without a regret... the regret of not doing everything. and that hurts much much more. i am saying this not because i wanted you to understand me. you do not have to.but at least know where i stand. i know that i cannot guarantee that i will succeed in the end and knowing that, i also have to be prepared for the worse...

sabi nga nila: when it rains, it pour. i didn't know it can be a double- edged sword.

clerkship gave me a lot of my first. and one of them is getting a recommendation for dismissal. i do not want to discuss the details nor explain to defend what our subgroup did. for now i just wanted to leave it as that.

can i keep this distance for a few days more? somehow the silence gives me a lot of room to think and in a way gives me space away from the world. i cannot think about the future now. i live one day as it comes. that much i can only take for now.

please help me pray.

remembering medicine

internal medicine was my first toxic rotation. just like to share my previous experiences before it went to oblivion

• parang buong hospital ang hawak ko. monitor dito, monitor doon. para na kong robot. sa sobrang dami, hindi ka pa tapos sa lahat, q1 ka na ulit.
• lima lang kaming magkaka- group sa duty. kulang pa kami para magmonitor ng buong hospital. pano na lang pag may E.R. call? it happened to us one time. at isa lang sa min ang nagbantay ng buong ward (pay at service).
  
• golden rule pag duty: wag kumain ng pansit, spaghetti, lomi, o kahit anong mahaba pag duty kundi magiging toxic ang duty mo. beware. this never fail.
• duty ako ng december 25 at january 31. sa ICU/CCU ako nun. honestly, naiyak ako sa sobrang lungkot.. at muntik na magutom dahil wala ng delivery ng food pagsapit ng gabi.
• first time ko gumawa ng IV insertion at co- clerk ko ang nagturo sa kin kung pano. first time ko din naglagay ng NGT at co- clerk ko pa rin ang nagturo kung pano.
  

RMC

• first outside rotation ko ang RMC (Rizal Medical Center) duty from duty status kami dun. as in every other day lang na ligo at every other day na tulog.
• wala kaming pgi nung nasa RMC kami kaya sobrang kawawa kami dun. huhuhu. hindi kami nagkikita nung partner ko pano ba naman, post namin ER at ward. (kung may intern sana ward lang kami pareho ng partner ko)
  
• ward work in rmc: insertion ng IV, ngt, catheter, push ng mannitol, monitoring ng more than a hundred patients, extraction, CTT monitoring at bottle replacement, cardiac massage, ambubagging ng pay ward, service ward at ICU
  
• ER work in RMC: same as above except for CTT monitoring and mannitol push, history and PE, gumawa ng request for diagnostics, magreseta, at mag- dispose ng patients. good and bad thing is magka- level lang kami ng resident ko ng trabaho.
• sa ER post, kain bid (twice a day), urine output od (once a day), tulog--- tulog???? kahit upo wala.
  
• OPD pag from duty. mga 200 to 300 patients per day doon. usually, 3 lang kaming nandoon- ako, co- clerk ko, at isang resident. pero 3pm or 4 kami nakakauwi. pano namin nagagawa yon? hehe isang minuto bawat pasyente. history-labs- reseta- dispose. pantay- pantay lang kami ng trabaho.
• all in all natuto akong maging mabilis sa RMC... at oo nga pala, natuto rin ako gumamit ng ecg machine.

EAST AVENUE MEDICAL CENTER

• isa lang po ang ecg machine at ang bagal pa nya.
  
• hindi na kailangang magmonitor. silipin mo lang ang mga rooms.
• you really have to check your patients dahil baka magulat ka na lang nag- aarest na pala sila... which happens most of the time
• masarap ang cake sa East Ave!
• first time ko sumakay ng ambulance. nagconduct ako ng patient sa isang CT scan center.
  
• first time ko nakapag- arterial extraction and i successfully got a sample.
• isang linggo ako nagduty dito at araw- araw ako nag- CPR.
  

im back in home base

• my rotation in national center for mental health ended last feb 14. we gave a party for our patients in zonta- shangrila. it was nice to see them having fun. i didn't have a date last valentine but those people made my valentines worthwhile. (jemay and i had an early valentines date)
  

• im still in my psychiatry rotation. i'll be serving for two weeks more but this time, it's in feu hospital. life is so benign here. as in our only everyday dilemma is where and what to eat for lunch. ang benign di ba?
  

• ill be celebrating my birthday in a couple of days and i'll be turning a quarter- of- a- century- old. two years ago i planned that if i reached that age, i will be more health conscious. i have a strong family history of hypertension so i really have to watch my health. i still wanted to see my kids grow and have their own family. and considering the career that i have chosen, starting a family will be a little bit later for me. so starting thursday, i'll be eating meat and oily foods in moderation until i learn to get it out of my system. hay. its goodbye lechong baboy and chicharon for me.

• last saturday, i had an early birthday celebration with my parents. we went to tagaytay and had a nice lunch in viewsite restaurant. originally, we planned to go to calaruega in nasugbu, batangas after we drive my sister, dabsy, and her officemates to canyon woods. but since we have to wait until 2 pm in picnic grove before we bring them there, we decided to have a joy ride instead and just enjoy the view and the cool breeze of the place. tagaytay' s picnic grove has a new spot called 'picnic village.' its a pretty nice place where you can buy a lot of novelty items, eat, or play arcades. what i really loved was the cozy lunch we had in viewsite restaurant. it's a big veranda overlooking the lake. i was very overwhelmed when i saw how close you can see the taal volcano. it's really breath taking. a trio (2 guitarists and one plays a cello) go around from table to table and sing for their customers. not so many people dine there so it wasnt really toxic for them to do it. and you can even request for songs for them to play for you. they were really good in singing spanish songs so my dad requested one for me. its really a romantic place. so friends, if you later on decide to propose to your girl, it's one of the romantic place i highly recommend. just make sure to plan it when there's sunlight coz she'll miss the view at night or if its foggy. food was good. they let you pick your fish of choice and they will cook it the way you wanted (parang "dampa" restaurant). the only drawback is, the food costs really much (its like dining in a five star hotel). but considering the ambiance and all, its worth it naman.

• future plans. ive been thinking lately a lot about my future plans. so far, i havent made a concrete plan yet but im getting there. im towards reaching a turning point in my life and i know that whatever my decision now will greatly affect my future. its sad that i cannot please everybody but then i know that if i will not make my own choice, im going to regret it for the rest of my life.

psyche out

im in a new rotation. i'll be serving in psychiatry for 1 month. for my first two weeks, i'll be in the national center for mental health in mandaluyong. it's pretty scary being there for the first time. it seems to me that anybody not in white uniform is a psycho. i was assigned in the pediatric pavilion named zonta- shangrila. zonta is the pavilion for girls and shagrila for boys. i'll be working only in shangrila though together with my partner. yesterday, i was assigned in the out patient department and i got to examine a lot of patients with "undifferentiated schizophrenia." and i also got to do a complete physical exam in a patient who was for admission. scary. really. physical exam for a mentally challenged person is different. i have to work behind my patient for security purposes- to avoid being spitted/kicked/punched. today, i'll be on my first duty. i may be assigned in the ER or the ACIS (dont ask me what it stands for. i dont know either. what i know is that those patients who were previously seen in the ER and are for admission are placed there first). i just wish my partner and i will have the same post. and hopefully go home alive tomorrow. hehe

classics:
me: kelan kayo nagagalit
px: pag tulog ako
---
intern: kumain ka na ba?
px: ayokong kumain
intern: bakit?
px: sumasakit tyan ko
intern: bakit sumasakit tyan mo?
px: kasi hindi ako kumakain:
intern: bakit di ka kumakain?
px:kasi sumasakit tyan ko... doc, tama na. wag nyo na po ako tanungin.
intern: bakit?
px: napupwersa kase utak ko sa tanong nyo e.
------
Kwentong ROBOT

Rx
Biperiden 2mg/tab

Sig:
uminom ng isang tableta para sa reaksyon sa gamot katulad ng pagrorobot, paglalaway, at paninigas ng panga.

-----
px: doc, ayoko ng inumin yan. nagrorobot ako e. ang hirap maglaba pag
nagrorobot.
me: (i can only imagine. laughs)

there's more to come.

DNR DNI

my patient died just as i was about to leave the hospital. he's a 26 year old male who has community acquired pneumonia- high risk. upon x- ray, his lungs showed lobar pneumonia, right middle and lower lobes. i took care of him for 4 days and i've been pretty close with him and his wife. it was pretty disappointing that we were not able to save his life... sayang talaga sya. he's young, laging smiling face kahit hirap na huminga. this morning, he went to arrest and was luckily revived. nakakiyak kanina habang inaambubag ko sya. kinakausap sya ng nanay nya. sinasabi sa kanya na humingi sya ng tawad sa dyos... na wag syang mag- alala dahil hindi nya papabayaan yung anak nya (he has a 1 year old kid)... na mahal na mahal sya ng nanay nya... i wanted to cry with her then. but i knew that i was not suppose to do that... i was asking myself then, how do you shut yourself from all those anguish and sorrow happening right before your eyes. how do we deny ourselves of being HUMAN?


(DNR- do not resuscitate DNI- do not intubate )

first rotation sucks

i am so pissed off with dcfm. sobra silang mag- power tripping!!! at malas mo pa pag babae ka. syempre, ang mga single blessedness pabor sa mga guys. those bitches... hay nako. mabuti na lang, papa material yung ka- duty ko. dahil sa kanya naabswelto kami sa mga "kasalanan" daw namin. ewan ko ba, ginagawa mo naman ang tungkulin mo, demerit pa din inaabot mo. its so UNFAIR!!! hay. mabuti na lang mabait yung mga kassama naming mga regulars. sila tga- sabi ng "ok lang yan, wag ka masyadong magpaapekto." hay nako, wish ko lang paggising ko october 2007 na.

CLERKSHIP: ang drama sa likod ng pangarap

.
CLERK NA KO!!!!

yehey! sa wakas, pagkatapos ng isang buwan na exams, eto na ang resulta ng mahigit tatlong taon kong paghihirap sa institute of medicine. simula sa october 1, hospital na ang magiging classroom ko, conference na ang magiging lecture ko at pasyente na ang magiging teacher ko.

pasensya na wala na ko maisip. parang lumulutang pa din ako. :)

salamat sa inyong lahat. salamat sa Our Lady of Mt. Carmel.

thank you din, pedia for passing me.

pieces from midterms

the day after my exam, i finally had the time to clean my table and arranged the reading materials i reviewed for the exam. i was surprised when i saw this much. hindi ko ma-imagine na naaral ko lahat ito. at take note, photocopy pa lang yan.. wala pa dyan yung mga books. huhuhu... pano na ko sa finals?


so what did the recent midterm exams has done to the high priestess?


hehe.. see the fruit of toxicity...



knock- out...






black and white.. sakit na ulo ko!








preso ng mga libro

kwentong balentayms

yesterday, one of my classmate surprised the girl he's courting by getting these P.T. undergrads to serenade her. well, all of us were shouting and giggling. hay grabe. para kaming bumalik sa highschool. some of the girls (me not included) even cried. it's just so mushy! hehe. hay, love can do many splendid things. its nice to feel young again.. at least young at heart. hehe.





mapot, our class president and ryan, the 'first gentleman' -to- be.

salamat ryan, naaliw talaga kami sa ginawa mo. hehehe.

group picture! si doc mary- anne cabrera yung naka- black. teacher namin sa pathology and lab. diagnosis. sya yung adviser ng group namin