ang init sa tuguegarao!

i was late. i thought i was going to be here 3 months ago but for some unexpected and not so good turn of events, i was not able to fulfill my promise until much later.

mom, who also promised to visit Our Lady in Piat, was reluctant to go but after what had happened to me when i returned from mindoro (i had an encounter with mandurukot/hold-uppers. they were about 4-5 men), i took it as a sign that we should go and do it also as a sign of gratitude for keeping me safe and unharmed. i was very lucky indeed because my whole salary was with me at that time and my lumix too.

so mom, brother and me went there on a saturday to catch the sunday mass. mom wanted that we leave in the morning so we can enjoy the view. it's my first time to go to that side of the north and all i can say is, anlayo nya huh. i can reach ilocos norte in 10 hours but it took us 12 hours to reach cagayan valley even on a deluxe bus. but the view was also great. it's really a thrill going up north.

the view from nueva vizcaya

welcome to isabela province

all these i took while the bus was moving. lucky me i was able to take these shots. thanks to lumix too.

it's a wonderful feeling having knelt before Our Lady. the time i spent with her in the basilica was brief but worthwhile. i would have loved to stay a little longer but the weather was just too hot for me to endure. our little boy, mat, was not able to take it too. he got sick and so we left right after the mass. but it's ok. i know it wont be the last time i will visit her. i just hope when i come back it will be at the time of the cold season so i can go around and visit the callao caves as well.




>>

current status removed

sh@t! i thought i would not be able to remove that post. whew. i think i better stop doing fb. you know when you have all these emotions going on and your hands landed on a keyboard you find yourself exposing to the whole world how you feel and yes, afterward regretting that you did it big time. im no krissy A. and i have learned to keep things low key. but hey, i still need this blog to vent a little sometimes. well at least this is not like fb where everyone knows whose wall this belongs. i wish life also have that remove button. you don't want your current status? that's easy. click remove and then type another one.

when things get awry, it calls for a bonding time with friends. hang out with them and talk nonstop until you get it all out of your system then come home relieved. well that is exactly the problem now. when i was working my ass in the hospital as a junior and senior intern, i was craving for time to spend with friends and maybe a special someone. now that i have all these time, i can't even find someone to spend it with. where were they? true friends are hard to find and hard to keep. i lost one last year and two this year. those were the closest ones.

a couple of nights ago, i talked to a friend who is living miles away. we fondly call each other buddies. maybe, she sensed how i was feeling that's why she called me. the conversation was nice and long and personal. i miss it. i miss that kind of conversation that you know someone is truly listening to you, empathizing to whatever issue you have. in the end, she told me something that is maybe a little bit painful to accept but that's what true friends are. Friends are those who are not afraid to tell you bitter things not to crush your spirit but to help you to become a better person. deep inside, you know that those bitter things were always the truth.

her words were:

"ikaw kase bud, kahit dati pa, ang hilig-hilig mong pumasok sa mga komplikadong bagay..."

- to which i strongly disagreed and told her all i wanted was the opposite. but looking back, bud was right. what all those persons have in common was me. whatever role i played in their lives was something that i allowed or chose to be. i wanted something else but i did otherwise. i can't blame that to some twist of fate.

she also added,

"...go out there. meet strangers. do whatever you want to do. don't let it hold you back."

i was afraid. now i know i shouldn't be. maybe it will take a lot of getting used to. but i won't hold myself back. not now. not this time.



>>

reunited

something good happened today. my long "battle" with Ishtar has finally came to an end.

Sya ang salarin sa eye bags ko dati. hindi ko sya jowa but she is more than a friend because she is like a sister to me.

to love or to hate. to befriend or to let go. to fight or to forgive. to learn or to regret. to bridge the gap or to break ties. to move forward or to look back. life has so many choices. so many possibilities. so many things to consider. as we get older, the simple things aren't that simple anymore... or so it seems. but then again, it all boils down to choices. at the end of the day, it's the choices that we make that matters. because those that we choose can change our lives forever.



>>

thanks for the eyebags part II

last night was another night of heartache (and puyat!!!) for me but minus the tears and sky rocketing anger. after a long sigh (now sighs are becoming therapeutic) i have realized that even in my anger, a powerful hand was there that guided me that i was able to do what i have to do (or it should have been what i had to say). thanks, bro. it is true that the only people who can hurt us are the ones we love. and sometimes, we are just as guilty, hurting them knowingly or unknowingly.

but even if we were hurt, we cried, we bleed, we got mad, at the end of the day, it is still the love we have for that person that lingers. and i am just as amazed that through it all, i am still able to return love. i could have just walked away (much easier) or kill that person with my words (haha if words can kill).

there was this card that was given to me 10 years ago that said, 'when troubles seem too heavy, fly like a bird high into the sky and see how small the earth becomes.' there could be a lot of interpretation to that. but for me, it's looking at the problem from a different perspective (and not running away from it). when we are ruled by strong emotion, we tend to focus on that one aspect that hurt us. we tend to gravitate more towards it. rising to a higher ground, makes us see that what we are looking at is just a part of a bigger picture. and when we are able to see what that picture is all about, we come to understand. and the hurt and anger we have were appeased.

having mentioned strong emotions, i remember one of my favorite saints, Ignatius de Loyola. he wrote the Rules of Discernment, an autobiographical masterpiece but with a universal application. one of the lessons was, we should not make a decision whenever we are governed by a strong emotion (too much joy, anger, sadness, or fear) because that decision tends to be the work of a devil. learning this is really a challenge. how easy is shutting up whenever we are very angry? how many couples break up in the middle of a fight? how many people take their own life because of too much anxiety? how many girls lose their virginity because of too much joy (haha. sorry, had to say something ishtar-ish)? so whenever we are at the height of our emotions, don't act first. remember to pause, reflect, and pray.

there's this one story that our parish priest related in one of his homily which is like eons ago (i really like the story that's why i remembered). its about two best of friends. time came when one of them was about to get married. when they were in the church, the bride stood at the back ready to walk down the aisle when her best friend came running towards her and slapped her. and then the commotion begun. the girl who slapped her best friend was immediately thrown out of the church and was condemned for life for ruining the most important occasion in her best friend's life (now i am laughing remembering that story. honga no, what a coincidence). one day, the priest saw the girl in the church praying. remembering what happened, the priest went to the girl and asked, 'why did you do that to your friend? aren't you suppose to be the first one who should be happy for her? why did you slap her on the most special day of her life?' the girl looked up to the priest and said, 'father, kase po may malaking lamok na nakadapo sa pisngi nya. ayoko po sana sya makagat kaya nagawa ko yun.' now i know why it became a favorite. coz it made me laugh hard when i heard the ending.

an act is an act. we can take it in different ways, give a hundred interpretation to it. run our lives around it depending on how we see it. but again, an act is just an act. without intention, it is lifeless, meaningless, amoral. maybe instead of scrutinizing the act, we should dig into what the intention was. motives are the driving force of our actions.

i hope my last installment will be the last in this growing 'word war' in our inbox (--or so it seems. hihi. coz more than you know or it seems like, it was designed to convey an important lesson. ;D). can i tell you a secret? here it goes: i have not given up. coz love doesn't just give up.

i hope we all have a beautiful day ahead.



>>

christmas is over!

i really wonder why the best is always reserved for last. yesterday marked the end of the christmas season. it is also when i got the most important lesson i have yet to hear.

yesterday, since i woke up early, i planned to hear mass at 9am. our church wasn't really far from my house. it only takes a 5 minute walk. but since i did a little chitchat with mom before i left, i didn't realized i was already running late. the priest was already in his homily when i arrived. so ok, since im late already, i decided to do my errands first and attend the next hour mass instead.

10 am, i was lucky to get a good seat near the garden. while listening to the homily, i was amused. ikaw ba yan, Lord? para sa kin ba tong message na to? in his homily, the priest said that in life, it was not how well or how fast we moved that matters, its how many times we have paused. then it all dawned on me. now i understood why these all happened. why i got sick and then having to give up my job(s), not been able to get into residency, and not been able to reach my ultimate dream to live on my own. i remember how i described my life- me in a car running 250mph then suddenly put into a halt just as when i can almost reached my goal. i had long dreamed of that moment when i can finally be free from the school and start making my dreams come true. but then it all happened. i didn't blame God for it. what i felt was more of frustration than anger. i realized now, i forgot that two essential things, pause and reflect. i was too eager to do everything at once not realizing what God's plan was for me. had i not paused will i know where i am going?

father Ino also said that we are all like the three wise men following a star. imagine, those wise men came from different parts of the world but their paths crossed because they were after all, following only one star. in a night sky filled with stars, we have to choose that one star we must follow throughout our lives. picking which star among all the glittery ones is the hardest. it's no different from choosing a career, a residency program, or a lifetime partner with the knowledge that once a choice was made, you have to stand by it for better or worse. but again in order to do this we must first pause, think, reflect and most importantly, pray. in the end, it doesnt matter how fast we get there. what matters is that we made the right choice and followed the right path.






>>

make way for the perfect 10

goodbye 2009, hello 2010! the past year had been full of drama. it started with a bang and ended with an unexpected twist. nonetheless, 2009 had given me a lot of lessons and some of the most important milestones in my life.

i hope 2010 will be a better year not just for me but also for my loved ones. i do hope that i carry with me the lessons i got from the past year.

these are my plans, wishes and resolution for this year:

> get myself into residency

> live on my own

> wish my ASO will be normal and my immune system strengthen.

> no more RF flare this year!

> hope ties will be strengthened, gap will be filled, and learn to forgive and forget.

> hear mass more often.

> pray the rosary everyday

> less FB and more bonding time with friends

> read more

> exercise often

> eat less (awww....) and eat healthy

> make a monthly budget and stick with it

> resurrect the pamper-me-day

> continue to blog often. it really helps when you read yourself =) very therapeutic

> wake up early

> speak up more but with caution

> discover new places

> learn new crafts

> organize my e- files


these were the important lessons i learned the past year:

> live within your means and within your seams

> conserve energy

> never give up

> use plastic prudently

> recycle

> shut up when you have nothing good to say (this was very challenging)

> patience (i am getting along with this virtue pretty well. woohoo!)

> embrace change

> generosity, humility and compassion.

> learning to trust that there is a perfect time for everything

> health is wealth

> that life is a bore if things keep going your way.

> pag gusto may paraan. pag ayaw maraming dahilan. (parang kanta lang)

> listen more than talk more

> No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

> breeding can't be acquired in school nor can be brought by gold.

> life won't go exactly how you planned it. giving up is not the answer to this but rather becoming more flexible.



>>

conversations

this thing called cellphone drew people into texting because its cheaper than calling or meeting up with someone you wanted to greet, catch up with, or have a heart to heart talk with not minding what was lost there. texting makes room for misinterpretation coz it just couldn't convey emotions. maybe that's why they have created those smileys/ emoticons but they're just not enough, are they? almost forgot i have the wonder sun cell wherein calls were free. yeah. so i guess it's my fault for not calling. coz i was misinterpreted. ok. lesson learned.

i just realized that we are slaves of emotion. but not all the time it will succeed as a weapon for manipulating people. i'm hating all these drama. it seems it had created a cloud of hallucination hovering people making everyone react to everything rather than thinking first before reacting. and i hate becoming a part of this. well it's a choice i made and i'm hating my decision now. but how do you cut your ties and just walk away or choose to be indifferent, perhaps? i don't know. maybe it's time to breathe fresh air. that's what everybody needs now and that's exactly what i will do.




>>

a new year is coming

i'm still not done yet with my new year's resolution. i guess, a little more time for reflection for me. one of my favorite blogs have reposted this and i liked most of what were written here. im re-reposting it so i can also have my own copy. hehe.

have a prosperous year ahead.


Health:
I wish you happiness, good health and peace as we close out the year
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others... You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do.. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously.. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

here's another one:

I Believe...

That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I Believe....
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life..

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them..

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe....
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up..

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe....
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
A friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything.




>>