to my dear old friend

What about now?

What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?

i can't find words to say goodbye coz there's this thought lingering on my mind. i know you won't read this but i still want to post it here anyway... salamat, this song was made coz i can't find the words...




>>

bagong taon part 2 sa araw ng pag- ibig

few more days before the chinese new year. i still have time to reread my resolutions and add some other things that i wanted to accomplish for this year. woohoo. buti nalang may chinese new year. meron pa akong chance for adjustments. hehe. call it madaya. i don't care. i feel lucky having another new year celebration in february especially when my january didn't turn out so well. i literally felt a dagger in my chest while attending mass on january 1st, much like to an angina pectoris. don't worry. it's not health related and it's already a case solved.

is it also perfect timing that the new year will be celebrated on heart's day? hmmm that reminds me, this is the third year i am going to celebrate heart's day in my fabulous single blessedness state. well, i really don't mind coz the first year after my ex and i split up, i spent valentines with my boys. they gave me a surprise dinner date with them and got a bouquet of roses pa. hay. im really lucky to have friends like them. on the second year i spent the whole day studying for the boards but still was lucky to receive a rose from one of my guy pals. this year, i am not expecting anything. spending it this time with my family is enough for me. hindi naman exclusive for lovers ang balentayms.

love. pano na nga ba ang umibig? oi ang gandang title in fernez. i believe we all have a lesson or two learned about love. we also had our share of heartaches and joy in loving. at this age, lahat naman siguro tayo naranasan ng madapa at natuto na ding bumangon. naalala ko noong naghiwalay kami ng ex ko, nag-wish ako na sana yung susunod ko namang love story yung parang feel good movie naman. awat na ang heavy drama. sana yung mas maraming kilig moments at syempre, sana this time, yung may happy ending na. sa kabila ng lahat ng hindi magandang nangyari, naniniwala pa rin ako sa 'and they live happily ever after'. naniniwala pa din ako na meron talagang 'wagas na pag-ibig.'

minsan, naisipan kong balikan yung mga paborito kong feel good movies katulad nung mga movies ni JLC at sarah, JLC and bea. tapos, binalikan ko din yung mga heavy drama nina sharon-gabi at aga-lea. napansin ko lang, hindi naman nagkakalayo ang mga conflict sa istorya nila. hindi naman masyadong mababaw yung problema sa feel good movie at hindi rin naman kalaliman yung problema sa mga heavy drama. mas matitindi lang talaga ang mga dialogues sa heavy drama at syempre, sa feel good movie, nakasisigurado ka na may happy ending. naisip ko tuloy, siguro ganun lang din sa totoong buhay. pwede nating gawing heavy drama or feel good movie ang takbo ng istorya. pwede nating palakihin o paliitin ang isang isyu. sana pwede rin pumili ng happy ending.

at this age, ano na ba ang natutunan ko about relationship? sa tingin ko hindi naman masyadong marami kung ikukumpara sa mga kaibigan ko. isa pa, i always felt that i was outgrown by my friends. isa ako sa mga kakaunting natitira na single pa rin hanggang ngayon. pero ganun naman talaga pag nasa ganito kang propesyon. parang kang late bloomer. hindi ko pa naranasan na iisang tao lang ang nakikita ko bago ako matulog at pag- gising ko sa umaga. hindi ko din alam kung ano ang pakiramdam maghintay sa gabi na umuwi yung taong mahal mo. hanggang ngayon, naririnig ko lang sila. lahat ng alam ko, base lang sa kwento ng ibang tao tungkol sa mga problema nila sa relasyon at pagpapamilya.

noong bata pa ako, akala ko pag nakita mo na yung taong mamahalin mo at minahal ka din nya, yun na yung end ng story. tapos nung nakipagrelasyon na ako, na-realize ko na hindi pala ganun. para palang makina ang isang relasyon. laging kelangan langisan at i- tune up para tumagal. na- realize ko din na hindi lang pala basta masaya ako, okey na. hindi lang pala tungkol sa kin ang isang relasyon. kelangan din pala ng sakripisyo para sa minamahal mo. a relationship is a compromise and always a work in progress. and just like other things in life, you can't ask for fruits you didn't sow.

sa love, meron akong konting important lessons na natutunan. one is never say never. nakaranas ka na ba ng sitwasyon na parang paulit ulit na nangyayari sa buhay mo? yun parang pakiramdam mo, ayaw kang tantanan? ako may isa. nung una parang nakakainis isipin. sarap mag reklamo ng bakit palagi nalang ako. umiwas nung pangalawang beses, thinking, natuto na kase ako kaya 'never again!'. but then i realized, hindi naman pagkatuto ang pag- iwas. and not because i allowed it to happen again means that i didn't learn. baka naman kaya nauulit para mabigyan ako ng chance na baguhin ko naman yung takbo ng istorya. yung gawin ko naman yung hindi ko nagawa noon para maimprove yung outcome.

siguro more than hoping to be found, we must learn to keep our hearts open to the possibility. we all wish for forever but we don't even want to take that step of putting our hearts on the line. i don't know if it is better to live a life alone, assured that nobody can hurt you than to take the risk of loving and feel being loved in return. i didn't wish to be alone my entire life. i still have that faith that i won't be left empty handed. again and again, i will put my heart on the line. yes, it might hurt but at least i have that chance to love and be loved and belong to a relationship that may last for a lifetime.




>>

first bloom

my orchid had its first bloom today! ever since i got the plant, it never get to have flowers not until now. hmmm. another milestone.


this orchid also has a sentimental value. an old love (old=past=nonexistent already) gave it to me as a gift. if my memory serves me right, this has been in my garden for three years now. that's how long i have waited to see the beauty of its flowers. nice!




>>

of love and friendship

since the beginning i have always chosen friendship over love. i didn't have regrets in doing it coz i believe i make the right choice every time. i believe, in friendship i can have that someone forever. in friendship no hearts could be hurt.

and now, those beliefs are challenged again. i am bothered coz this is one of those few times i ask my self, is it now time to reconsider? is it now the time to choose love over friendship?

confusion sets in.

how much time do i have left to think this over? how long will it take before you arrive?

for the longest time i have been the keeper of friendship. of peace. i have stood still. my heart was kept strong with the years of many challenges it faced and conquered. i have always won.

if i choose love over friendship, will it mean failure on my part?

how strong is my heart? how deep is your love?

if i choose you, can you promise forever? will you not make me realize tomorrow that i made the wrong decision of choosing love over friendship?

think. ponder. reflect.

a choice has to be made sooner or later.


love or friendship?


>>

when our eyes met again

i'm from- duty today. since it's sunday, i decided to go home to be with my family. as i was riding the fx, i thought of the scene that happened between me and the one i called my lover in one of my posts here.

i was the floater yesterday and my job is actually to do all the extra jobs outside the D.R. follow- up lab results, release blood for the patients admitted in the D.R., accompany patients to the xray or e.r. trauma in case of a referral, help the ward intern to do referrals, get food at the dietary, buy things for co-interns, residents, and clerk at the D.R. in short aliping sagiguilid.

so there i was walking in the hallways of the ground floor when our paths crossed. i was in a hurry and so was he. our eyes met. i was caught off-guard. i didn't know if im going to smile or greet him. i just stared. i guess he was caught off guard too. i saw the hesitation in his face.

he just stared at me too.

later, i learned that he was the e.r. officer of the day. our duty was getting really toxic. we were already running out of stechers. my friend who was at the I.E. (E.R.) asked me to talk to the ERO to limit patients which i eventually did after a series of deep breathing exercises.

it was casual... and meant nothing.


... back to the fx scene. as i reminisce what happened to me and that guy, i realized that i have something to thank him for. the liplocking thing was the confirmation of my freedom from the past. it was then that i realized that i am already (and truly) ok.

i know he didn't squeal our secret. kuya, being unaware of it, is enough proof for that. knowing him and his boastful, arrogant attitude, i am touched by what he did. maybe it's his way of saying that he truly appreciated the conversation we had at their quarters.

i guess the bottom line is, i felt ashamed of treating him as invincible. after all, he was nice to me din pala.

songs for you

for a few weeks now, ive been in a 'last song syndrome' mode. im singing from my most recent memory of the songs my ear caught somewhere. well some became my favorite since they depict what i feel for someone. hehe. theme song ang dating. here they go:

• sometimes i run/ sometimes i hide/ sometimes i'm scared of you/ but all i really want is to hold you tight/ treat you right/ be with you day and night/ baby all i need is time

• i hate how much i love you, boy/ i cant stand how much i need you/ i hate how much i love you boy/ and i just cant let you know/ that i hate that i love you so

• and i can't get you out of my dreams/now i know that you're a dangerous kind/ and your smile is tattooed on my mind.... yesterday i was feeling sad/ all i do today is trying to be brave/and no melody seems to soothe my mind/ and now i curse you for being so sweet and so kind
• So go on, go on, come on, leave me breathless/Tempt me, tease me, until I can't deny/ This loving feeling/Make me long for your kiss/ Go on (go on), go on (go on)/Yeah.../Come on

and here's the song on the top of my list:

• ang panalangin ko sa habang buhay/ makapiling ka/ makayakap ka/ yan ang panalangin ko/ at hindi papayag ang pusong ito/ mawala ka sa king piling/ mahal ko iyong dinggin

hay. this is really getting weird. it's a nice feeling having a crush once in a while. and its also kinda difficult knowing that the person i have a huge crush on is a total trash. oh well, truth bites. but hey, no one said i can't get kilig in secret. i would fantasize and dream that he's mr. perfect. he's my wish-to-be- perfect guy. i wouldn't hope though that i end up with him coz i know that would be the day that i will start cursing my life. haha. matalino na 'to!

==0==

madel and i started our review for the boards. since news that we got said the ongoing aug boards is really tough. especially anatomy. (i think im going to befriend moore. and really try to have a special relationship with him this time). we started with patho at the beginning of this month. i chose my baby robbins (im trying to read books over reviewers now that i still have the time. focusing on topics or subjects that i'm not good at) and lend her my brs since her sister's still using theirs for her boards. well im nearly towards the end of the book and according to my sched, i should finish it by tomorrow. by monday i'll have pharma. hmm... im sticking on my sched. and so far so good.

my lover

his face is tattoed on my mind. just like what the song said. he's the dangerous kind. everybody know him as the cassanova of the eagle. and im one who's bound to be victimized. im the new apple of his eyes and he's quite getting aggressive in offering his indecent proposal. will i fall for it? if only... i wouldnt deny that i want him. i like him so much but i know that if i give in, i'll be doomed in the end. the only thing that's saving me from him... and from myself... is "the one." even if i dont know him yet.

and then again...

it was one of those nights when i had a text chat with my regulary irregular textmate. the unusual thing this time is that i was the one asking questions.

'saan ka nag college tsaka anu course mo?'

'BA ust kalapit pla tyo skul b4?'

'hindi. kse fairview school ko nung med at for sure grad ka na nun'

i got confused about the timeline. so i asked

'ilang taon ka na ba?'

'24. kaw?'

that instant there i was. brokehearted just like that. hay buhay

words that healed me

In the darkest time of a person’s life, true friends always come to the rescue. You may not see them often but when you need them, they won’t fail you. They will be there… in any way possible.

There were a few sms I was keeping for sometime now. they were the messages of my friends that I got after they learned about the break up. Their words really got in to me that I found myself crying while reading them. I felt so loved. the comfort of knowing that they are there gave me that certain “push” to keep going.

I still wanted to keep those messages even now that I have replaced my sim card with a new one. that’s why I decided to post them here.

“…dat’s so sad to hear and it seems unfair, I wish I cud be der for you, I guess u deserve someone better, matigas din kase ulo mo hehe… smile best! Remember you are a good catch okie? I’ll always be here best… always”

“Bud, don’t blame yourself, tulad ng sinabi ko, there are things beyond our control.. They happen because they are meant to happen exactly this time with you and with him... maybe may fault kayong dalawa pero kahit anong gawin natin to hold things, when they are not for us, they will pass…”

Dryn and Elaine, my two angels, maraming salamat.

to my two best friends who were my sounding board even from the start, Papsi and Tina, Salamat.

and so here it goes...

after a loooong time, im blogging again. i know i owe a LOT of kwento to all of you guys. sorry. ive been super busy since school started. well, ive been doing ok. i feel good that midterms almost over. i can now watch t.v. and sleep more than the usual '2- 3 hour- sometimes- none'. school will be over by september and i am really really nervious and that's not because of clerkship but because of the things i have to catch up just to get to it. oh well, thats lot of superlatives already.

jeezz, i miss everbody. paps and tina, how are you doing? i havent seen you guyz for a long time now. i hope we can go out on the sem break. just the three of us.

the 'kwento' is, dryn and i went out a couple of times. uhmm...just to clarify, it's not like were 'dating'. my baby and i are still very much together. (oi, defensive. hahaha. landi!)

dryn got a car already. he's scared to drive alone so he's been inviting friends to have joy rides with him. well, the first time we went out with his car was when he fetched me after my night duty in obstetrics which was uh a couple of months ago(halata naman puyat sa pic, di ba?). it was a day of a lot of FIRSTS. we had breakfast in chocolate kiss (in bahay ng alumni) and drove around UP Diliman. it was my first time to eat there and it was his first time to drive around the campus. we had a pretty serious talk over breakfast. im happy he's moved on. he's dating somebody and as i see it, he's serious about the girl. i haven't met the girl yet. we were supposed to have a double date at imax but everybody got a little busy and dryn is in germany for a couple of weeks. he drove me home afterwards (first time he drove to bulacan) and we had lunch there.

the second time was in eastwood. wala lang. naisipan lang naming lumabas dahil wala kaming ganang mag- aral. nakakatuwa lang isipin na nagiging comfortable na kaming pag- usapan yung mga relationships namin. that's what weve been talking about most of the time while strolling the patios of eastwood.

ayun. pagkatapos nun, mongha na naman ako. i was tied with my books coz i have to prepare for midterms.

how about you guys? how have you been doing?

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anong bago sa friendster?

i always get the shock of my life whenever i visit friendster. hay naku, kung meron mang pinakamagandang source ng personalized chismis, friendster na yun. katulad ngayon, na- shock ako ng makita ko yung dalawang classmates ko nung high school na nagkatuluyan at may baby na. syet. hindi talaga ko makapaniwala. kelan pa naging sila? hah. feeling ko im so left out. para kong nasa bundok na walang kaalam alam sa mga nangyayari sa lupa. hay.


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latest addiction

hoyyy! nanonood ba kayo ng wedding? hindi yung sa simbahan ha. ang ibig kong sabihin yung koreanovela sa channel 2 pag saturday at sunday ng tanghali. hay grabe. kumpleto linggo ko pag napapanood ko yun. ganda talaga. feeling ko minsan nakaka- relate ako sa love story nila. gusto ko si xena kase napaka- kikay nya at mahilig sa pink. at si darren din ang type kong guy. hay. nakaka- inlove talaga yung love stroy ng dalawang 'to. PRAMIS!

girl's instinct

it's one of those times when you want to say something but you just can't... it's hard to say yes when deep inside you don't really want to say it.

i have a bad feeling about my baby living in las pinas for a year. he was hired by her sister, who is fortunately the principal of a private school there, to teach. it's not that i will miss him coz i always do. whether he's in manila or in any other place, its the same thing. i still wont be able to see him as often. but why do i have this gut feel that something not good is bound to happen while he's there? ... i dont know. when he asked me to help him decide about it, i told him that if it will help him a lot with his savings, then do so. in the end my trust in him prevails. and as for me, watchful waiting begins until the future unveils itself. whatever is bound to happen, it will... but still i wish my instincts are wrong this time.

baby on the way, my latest addiction , and preparing for school

Yes, I admit that I have been ammenorrheic for the past three months but NO, im not pregnant. there are a lot of probable causes but im one hundred and one percent sure a fetus in my womb did not cause it. Actually, its my friend, ate Noreen who’s gonna have another baby. I remember when we were both praying she wont get pregnant again- not at least before graduation- so she wont have a (very) hard time in her studies. One time when she thought that she was, we quickly went to the hospital lab and asked for a free pregnancy kit. We did the test in the comfort room and I remember some of her pee spilled in my notebook. Gross! Hahaha. Though the test was invalid, maybe due to the busted pregnancy kit or because of our nervousness, it turned out to be negative. She had her period three weeks after we did the test.

when summer vacation came, eto na naman kami... when she texted me she collapsed in the church, we again asked the question which is becoming a hundred million worth already- is she pregnant? this time, her sister, who is an ob-gyn confirmed it. her daughter's gonna have a new sibling.

hmmm... kaya naman pala...He let this happen to us (ate and i wont be classmates this semester because she failed two subjects). another blessing in disguise. of course i'm happy for her coz she will have a less stressful sked but im sure gonna miss our kalokohan and kakulitan. one of those things that i'll terribly miss is that when our feelings are down we'll both wish we're showbiz stars like kris aquino who spend sleepless nights to earn millions and doesnt having to go through the pressures of med school. then we'll both laugh in the end with our silly thoughts.

yes, im an addict- again. ate (my true-blooded sister) got a new phone and whoa! it's got new games in it. 'new' as in hindi lang snakes. may iba na wala yung mga lumang nokia. hehe. and so here i am. thanks to the new game that im so in to- im spending a lot of time playing and beating the top score which is none other than mine coz im the only one playing it since she got her phone. and because im sooo addicted, i even offered we switch phones. hay, now my 'review series' is ruined.

yes, im getting my self ready to be grilled again. it's three days more to go before school starts. i went to the mall a couple of days to go to buy new stuffs for school. notebook, ballpen, highlighter highlighter- a lot of highlighter, envelopes envelopes- a lot of envelopes... jeez i got really tired walking to- and -fro in the national book store to buy the things that i need and LIKE. you see it has to be both- in perfect combination. hehehe i also went to the parlor and have a new haircut. my hair is now shorter. i think i look younger din (i say it's my hair- ala pantene commercial). i also finished doing my own bullet-type review series of ten chapters of harrison. im proud of myself for being able to do them despite the temptation to procrastinate but im also sad that i wasnt able to finish ten more chapters. hey, im tired already. besides, my addiction's eating most of my time now.

oh i'm getting anxious again... about this semester, my new subjects, new doctor- lecturers, new ward work- pedia ward, new set of classmates, hmm... im beginning to be scared huhuhu.

btw ospital ng maynila's gonna open on monday. it's back to toxicity for the clerks of plm too. sabay tayo sa ka- toxic-an. funny when elaine told me it drive them nuts that they dont have a busy sked for the past two weeks ('benign', as they call it). hehehe. i know they've been praying for a time- out but when they got it, ayun, tinatakot naman yung mga sarili nila. hay, praning talaga med students. look what they have done to us!!!!

i remember mom cooked my fav ginatang mais a couple of days too. hehe. im getting so takaw nowadays. i guess papsi and i are now the opposites. he do the dieting while i do all the eating. well, i have to enjoy now. coz next year, i have to fulfill my promise that i'll stop eating red meat and fat as in taba ng baboy- which i also love to chew- at 25 (then cut half on sweets at 30).

tomorrow's gonna be a manaoag day for me. im gonna pray really hard. i remember when our class offered a mass before the finals, we didn't know what we'll write in the petition. we joked that we should write there '...deliver us from all evil like pedia and medicine' hehe. well that's a part of what im gonna pray for.

on sunday will be my last major date with my baby before school. i wonder what's our itinerary. he told me it's gonna be a surprise. i bet its all walk... ala mla walking tours hehehe.

tata for now, everyone. help me pray that im gonna make it this semester.

bad impressions ala he says she says

i should have posted this a long time ago but i guess, it just need a pretty good timing... like valentines. these are the messages that my luvie once sent me one time we've talked about expectations and the negative impressions that he had for me back then. well i guess what's really funny is that, some of the things he told me were actually my own impression to him. hmm... para pala kaming sira all those times. hahaha

he enumerated them and gave a comment afterwards. mas nakaktuwa yung mga comments... here they go

no. 1 maarte.. parang may reklamo sa lahat ng bagay.. im glad you're not that type

no. 2. selfish.. tipong ung self interest mo lang iicpn mo. this is my biggest mistake, though

no 3. egotist.. parang nkkuha ng slave nung nagka- bf.. well parang ako p nga ata ung na- iispoiled s situation natin e.hehe

no. 4. bimbo.. beutiful but no brains.. need to explain more? :) bcos you look naive b4, hindi ka pa active sa recitation nun.. pero na-prove ko naman na di un totoo after talking to u sa tiples. hehe

no. 5. bulagsak sa pera..mukha k kc dating happy-go-lucky type e..now? u cn pass as an ilocana

and no. 6... well, i'll keep that to myself na lang.. hahaha! hindi pwede dito. hahaha.

pre- valentine's date with the philharmonic orchestra and master chorale atbp

got home two hours ago. ate, jem, paps, elaine, june, and i were in shangri la to watch the free pre- valentines concert of san miguel philharmonic orchestra and master chorale. hehe. sobrang galing nila talaga. the crowd was really delighted especially when the orchestra played cueshe's stay and hale's the day you said goodnight. in fairness, they've given a new twist to the songs. i guess it's their way of saying, 'so anong akala nyo classic songs lang kaya naming tugtugin?'and i must say, they're beautiful. ryan cayabyab was not the conductor but he was there too. and he must have been very pleased to see so many people who went there to appreciate their music.




actually, i got the info while listening for almost a week in my celphone's fm radio. got the habit of turning it on when i'm getting sleepy from studying for my midterm exam. speaking of midterms, hay... sobrang pagod na pagod na ko... may exam pa ko sa monday hehe.




i informed elaine about the concert. she's really a fan of orchestras and chorales kaya ayun, kahit major exams next week pumunta pa din. haha. hay. i really missed talking to her and baffling about anything.. i also got the chance to meet her boyfriend, june. hmm... ang ganda ng bud ko ngayon di ba? hiyang sa third year. at syempre, iba na talaga din yung may someone who makes you feel beautiful.




PICTURES

these are the pics that i have not been able to post due to my very intoxicating schedule.


April!!! she's got a spiral fractured fibula... nadapa lang yan ha. sa sobrang bigat nya, hindi nakayanan ng buto nya. kya naku... tsk tsk.. hinay hinay lang sa pagkain. sorry kung tinatamaan ka. hahaha.






my fortune plant just bloomed its first flowers! its the first time ive seen one in my whole life. at grabe, sobrang bango talaga pag gabi. hanggang loob ng bahay naamoy.

messages sent

i just thought of writing something for everyone...at least for those people whom i have been with for the longest time without having the chance to say what i really feel about. hehehe. i guess i just feel a little sentimental now that 2005 is about to end. happy new year, everyone! i hope next year will be a fruitful year for all of us.

• ate noreen, thank you for being my 'kasangga' in school. i know i'm a pain in the ass but you're the only one who could endure my kakulitan and katarayan. thank you. i really appreciate you for being like a big sister. i'm looking forward for more days of tsismisan. i'll always be your friend even if we're tons of handouts apart. hehehe.
• mom and dad, the more i mature, the more i appreciate everything you have done for us. now i realized how lucky i was to be born in this family. thank you for all the sacrifices that you did. i love you.
• papsi, no matter where you will be, always remember that there's someone you can look back to. we'll be here, always proud of whatever you will achieve. papsi, salamat. for all the help you've given me. may the Lord bless you with so much more. i also wish that in God's time, you'll find the girl that will complete your happiness.
• ishtar, though there are times the two of us don't like each other's ways without making it obvious to both of us :) , i want you to know that i love you. i treat you not just a friend but a sister. from the bottom of my heart, i want you to know that i'm happy for you and your new lovelife. thank you, kase pinagtyagaan mo yung kasungitan at katarayan ko hehehe. andito lang ako lagi. medyo busy nga lang. :)
• dryn, our friendship might not be the same as before but i want you to know that you are still welcome to cry on my shoulders. i hope, what happened to us will be a lesson not just to you but for both of us. i have already forgiven you. i pray you'll find that someone who's really meant for you... in God's time.
• baby, if there's one person that i know whom his heart i have cut so deep, it's yours. from the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry. it's only now that i have realized that it's not only you who was to blame. i also had my share of mistakes. i didn't have faith in your decisions. i only noticed your mistakes and not your good deeds. i failed to see how little the effort i was exerting... it seems i failed to see the good things that was in you because i was always looking for more. i'm sorry for blaming you for everything and for not giving you a chance. i hope in time we find it in our hearts to forgive each other.

i love you then i hate you then i learned

my turn has come. sometimes it takes time to get a person far enough to see the whole picture.i'm happy coz i can see my mistakes now. i'm learning.

one less lonely heart, two more to go

He sang one of my favorite songs!

i was really impressed with the way Jay sang Iris last night. it didn't made him number one but placing fourth is still much better than his last week's ranking. kudos!


Sabi Ko Na nga Ba.

my instinct didn't fail me. i knew the story would have a happy ending after all. Congratulations, goddess!

i did contemplate about what i have written in my last entry. and it seems to me, between me and the high priest, i am the one who's not yet ready to be the next 'victim' it's been only seven months that i became free again and i knew deep inside that i still need some more time to breathe. but love moves in mysterious ways, as the song goes. and the future always bring a lot of surprises. i wouldn't anticipate what tomorrow will be. i just want to take each day as it comes. milord, let's take our time and enjoy as much as we could like the way it has been. whoever among us will be the lucky one whether sooner or later, may ishtar's blessing always be with thee. as for now, it's enough to know that one among the three of us is happy... at last.


Inaantok Pero Hindi Makatulog

yan ako. hehe. i was lucky to get home early today. i was planning to catch up on my sleep. it's been three days that i have been sleeping too late and waking up too early. last weekend was really busy. for two days, i have been going to my classmates' dorm, a building just across my school, to do two papers that were due this week. when i got home, i still study for my finals in radio which i took this afternoon.

it's weird. i feel sleepy but when i go to bed and close my eyes, sleep just don't set in. grrrr. so here i am now. trying to get some of my neurons to work to write this entry. and hoping sleep will visit me later after i finished reading my handout for tomorrow's exam.

it's only just begun

i just read the goddess' update about her new love life. hay, sabi ko na nga ba. what happened last saturtday was not the end of it. i believe, it's up to the goddess now which way the story goes.

ako? kamusta? e2. nasa school pa rin. i'm going to attend a gathering sa chapel. were going to pray for the upcoming finals.

i wonder how the high priest is doing. hehe. naku, there's only two of us left in the 'lonely hearts club.' we're not really that bothered, aren't we? but you know what truly bothers me is this thought... is the cycle repeating itself already? who's next? ...oh, i don't want to know.

bakit ganun ang mga forwarded messages?

got this from a friend. i wus smiling the whole time i was reading it. it amazes me how people are connected to each other. how people are meant to feel the pain, anxiety, and hope of another person that they don't even know... that a certain experince is meant to produce one common emotion regardless of who you are or where you're from... amazing...

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong aalalahanin, wala na akong iisipin...
Pero hirap akong matulog sa gabi dahil bumabalik
yung mga alaala noong magkasama kami.
Naiisip ko kung paano niya hawakan yung kamay ko,
yung tipong nagsasabing hindi niya ako iiwanan.
Kung pa'no niya ko yakapin, yung nagsasabing lagi niya akong poprotektahan.
At kung pa'no niya ako halikan, yung nagsasabing mahal na mahal nya ako.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako iiyak pa...
Pero kapag gabi nagagawa ko pa ring umiyak, dahil nami-miss ko siya.
Nami-miss ko yung mga ngiti niyang nakakaloko, mga jokes niyang corny,
mga tingin niyang nakakatunaw, tawa niyang nakakabaliw,
pangungulit niya sa akin at kung anu-ano pang
kapraningan na ginagawa niya.
Nami-miss ko yun...

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Wala na akong tatawagan, hindi na ako magte-text sa kanya,
at makakaipon na ako ng pera para sa sarili ko.
Pero sa tuwing hawak ko ang cell phone ko,
lagi kong hinahanap ang pangalan niya.
Lagi akong nate-tempt na magtext sa kanya, o di naman kaya, tumawag.
Nangangati lagi ang darili ko na pindutin ang "Write Message"
i-type ang message ko,
i-scroll yung button para makita ko yung number niya,
at tapos ipe-press ko yung "Send".
O kaya naman, i-scroll ko yung button para mahanap yung name niya
tapos ipe-press ko yung "Call".
Kahit na alam ko na mauubos na ang load ko
at wala na akong pambili ng credit (dahil kabibigay lang ng nanay ko).
Kahit na alam kong hindi naman sya magre-reply at hinding-hindi nya ako tatawagan.
At kahit kailan hindi na nya gagawin pang magparamdam.

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Magkakaroon na ako ng time para sa sarili ko, sa pamilya ko at sa barkada ko.
Pero sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay, kasama man ang pamilya o barkada ko,
siya lagi ang naaalala ko, na sana, kasama ko siya ngayon.
Magkahawak kamay na namamasyal, naglolokohan, nagkukulitan,
at nagtatawanan.
Tapos, walang katapusang usapan
kung saan kakain ng lunch, kung sa Jollibee, McDo, KFC, o sa Max's.
Kung pupunta ba sa isang game arcade
para maglaro ng video games o di kaya naman, kung maglalaro ng basketball,
bowling or billiards.
Tapos, i-hahatid niya ako papauwi
sabay nanakawan ng halik habang nasa biyahe.

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Hindi na ako magpupuyat sa kakatutok sa computer,
aabutin ng madaling-araw kaka-chat sa kanya.
Pero sa tuwing may ise-search ako sa Internet,
bubuksan ko ang Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, ICQ, at MIRC
dahil baka sakaling dumating siya.
Makausap ko man lang, makikipagkulitan uli
at baka sakaling magkaliwanagan kami at maibalik ang dating "kami".

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong boyfriend, pwede na akong tumingin sa iba
at tumanggap ng manliligaw.
Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi na ako magmamahal pa uli.
Dahil siya lang ang mahal ko.
Siya lang ang nakaka-kumpleto sa araw ko,
siya lang yung inspirasyon ko sa mga bagay-bagay.
Siya lang yung nakakaintindi sa akin kapag may problema ako.
Siya lang yung nakakapagpatahan sa akin kapag umiiyak ako.
Siya lang ang buhay ko, siya lang, wala ng iba.
Magmamahal din ako, pero hindi muna ngayon,
hindi muna...

me

i'm sorry if saying how i feel now would make you angry/ irritated or whatever you call it. but this is me. they say women are hard to understand... in that part i do believe in that.( i do not have any intention for that matter to speak for every woman in this world.)

i am fickle minded... but being fickle minded doesn't mean to say what i'm saying are lies. they are my true feelings. for that certain point in time that i've said them, they are true...

the only lie i made in all of this was something that didn't even came out of my mouth. and yes, i was already punished for that. and i believe i have suffered more than i should.

i'm not perfect. no matter how much i try to be, i can never be a perfect daughter, friend, partner, or student. i have commited a lot of mistakes and i'm sure i'll commit more of them in the future. (i'm sorry, but i believe that is the essence of being a human- to commit mistakes and learn from them). at this point, i admit that it was my big mistake to say NEVER to something that i have no control of...

i have exerted so much effort to move on. i may say that it's progressive but my heart just can't let go.

we have only one life. i don't want to spend mine in waste. i can have all the riches and fame in the world, but those will never be enough to make a person feel complete. they say there's only one way... that is to follow your heart.

one day you will find your greatest love. someone that you will be willing to go against all the odds for that person... that you're willing to exchange anything and everything just to have a moment with her. and when that time comes, you will then understand.

if you're just worrying about me, thank you. don't worry i'll think a million times before i make my final decision and i'll ask GOD for guidance.