Doulos

tomorrow could have been a very important date for me. just can't help but remenisce the day it all started. this song reminded me of it...

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended too soon

You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

The moment that I saw you cry

It was late in september
And I've seen you before (and you were)
You were always the cold one
But i was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....

I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon...
In places no one would find...

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

it's funny how a single song described it all, like it was written based on my experience.
yes, even the month was the same.... it was sweet september.

Hope for the Flowers

I'm like the catterpillar in the story i have so loved in college. like him, i have fought to get on top of the pillar and like him i was kicked off and fell on the ground just before i reached the top.

it was sad at first but then i've realized being on the race isn't the name of the game. i left the pillar but i know one day i'll be up there too. . . someday when i have developed my wings.

going nowhere

all this time i've been running.... and now, i don't know where i am. i guess this depression is getting the best of me.. it has affected my loved ones too. ive been thinking of getting professional help. i can't anymore sleep because of the nightmares. they just seem wont stop. crying doesn't relieve anything anymore. if somebody can just hold me tight enough that i can't anymore let go and run again... to the one i have hurted so much, sorry. i'm just too broken. i dont anymore know how can i help myself.

the only truth that i know about me is the fear that i have been hiding... that one day everything that i have in my hands will slip away... and yes, it seems that fear is coming true. tomorrow what will be next... i do not know... i'm becoming more of an observer of my own life. i wish the world will stop turning for a moment... i need to breathe... but then i realized i lost my air.

sana, heaven will grant my final wish....

half lang... half lang nakangiti... kasi yung half...haaaay... 

a blessing

at long last, i have seen a light in the dark. the darkness was fast consuming me and i was already close to losing hope, but then again, God has proven to be there. i cant help but get excited. i didn't expect it will be that soon. with all my heart, i thank THEE for this wonderful blessing. it is easier to breathe now.

had a sip of vodka today. it's been a long time since the last time i have tasted alcohol. thanks to my cousin. :) just had a SIP. still have to do my CPC and report tonight.

day dreaming....grrrr

I’ve been staring at my book for 10 minutes now and I’ve realized I haven’t read anything or have understood a single word that my eyes have passed on. My mind seems to be somewhere beyond the walls of this room.

Yesterday, I was in the OPD with a friend. Somehow, I had a glimpse of my future. The thought made me anxious though. I never wanted the kind of life that I have seen. And with every chance, I knew I will try to escape from it. But the decision I have made doesn’t give me much of the chance. I’m afraid I only led myself more to the abyss. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not about being a doctor. It’s about going into the real world. I guess I will never become ready to plunge into it.

I have been dreaming of going to a far off place to ponder on things. Life here has not been so kind to render solitude. Maybe there I can find a stranger to talk to. It’s easier to think that I have shared my thoughts to someone who is not a part of my life and to know that at the end of the day, I will never see him again. And i hope my anxiety will go as i watch him leave.

Yesterday...

I procrastinated and im proud of it!

it wasn't plannned, though. yesterday morning i went to school to get my manual which i shouldnt have left in my locker. just went to the parlor in the afternoon and treated myself. now, im cramming to finish my reading for my regular shifting in patho tomorrow. harharhar. oh well, c'est la vie!

thankful

i feel ok now. i realized i'm so blessed to have someone who holds my hand when i feel so low and gives me reassurance that everything will be alright.

thank you..more than words can say...

i'm losing it... i do not know how long i've been keeping this anxiety within me. right now, i just feel too saturated to continue... for a time, i have tried to be a friend to myself, trying to cure my own wounds. but then i've realized that each passing day, the wounds aren't healing at all...

i'm tired...

i better get help.

CODE C

one of my bad days...

i got stuck in traffic this morning. and that's because of the usual reason during this season: FLOOD. i don't think the government is doing its job. for a common road to be closed just because of negligence in a what should be an anticipated problem during rainy days pisses me, and i think all of us, off. i usually leave my house early. i've been disciplining my self to be professional, especially time wise, since the beginning of this SY. i cannot, and would never, let it be destroyed for any reason. so there i was, stuck in traffic for ten minutes. seeing many people walking convinced me that it's hopless. i, together with my sister, decided to walk. it was 7 am then on my watch (ten minutes advance from my school) and the distance we have to travel was no joke. oh well, we have tried a short cut but ended up getting stuck again in traffic. we had no choice but get on our feet and walk from commonwealth to dahlia ave. got in the ward at 730. damn.. still late but better than being absent.

made the usual history taking today at the ward. we had a 26 year old mentally retarded patient with dengue. our proctor was unusually early today (usually, he meet us 30 minutes before the time). we've been waiting for him to come out from their office to discuss the history when an emergency happened. a patient had an attack, i suppose, which caused all the PGIs, nurses and residents to flood the room. the way they went to the scene was very distinct- the PGIs with their worried faces hurriedly rushed to the patient while the gods (residents) looked reserved and calm as if nothing unusual is happening (they have even managed to greet each other... i don't know if that was their way to fight the usual reponse that a person in an emergency situation should have. but damn them, they are all good actors).

later, our proctor came and led us a few feet away from the scene, and explained what was happening. it was a case termed CODE C or, in some hospitals they call it, CODE BLUE which means a patient is in a life and death situation and an emergency procedure has to be done to save him. we discussed the history at that same room. me and my groupmates had a hard time... its not easy to keep our composure knowing that someone just a few feet away from us is battling for his life. well maybe that's the lesson our proctor wanted us to learn today.

i had a glimpse of the patient before we left the ward. i have only seen his abdomen with a meny tubes lying above it (they have covered his place with a divider). i pray he'll survive the crisis.

really tired already. now, i want to go home and sleep... unfortunately, i cannot afford to do that. :)

go the distance

been listening to this song yesterday. i realized i have gone weary fighting my battle... well, this song did made help. it inspired me again.

...one of my favorite

I have often dreamed of a far off place,
Where a heros welcome would be waiting for me.
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face,
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance.
I will find my way if I can be strong.
I know every mile would be worth my while,
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong.

Down an unknown road to embrace my fate,
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you.
And a thousand years would be worth the wait.
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back, I can go the distance,
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat,
It's an uphill slope,
But I won't loose hope, 'till I go the distance
And my journey is complete, oh yeah.

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part,
For a heros strength is measured by his heart, ohh...

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance,
I will search the world, I will face it's harms,
I don't care how far, I can go the distance,
'Till I find my heros welcome waiting in your arms.

I will search the world, I will face its harms
'Till I find my heros welcome waiting in your arms.

lib on a friday

here in my school's internet station. i decided to check my mail and post something for my blog before i go to the library. yeah... going to the library on a friday seems too bad ... pathetic and awful. well, that's my new MOA for this prelim coz i noticed my weekend is not enough to compensate for all the readings that i should make.

kanina, i had my practical exam on PD. oh boy... hmm... what can i say... did a lot of bloopers there. wala na me magawa than to laugh about it. i hope the proctor didn't get irritated with me especially with the way i conversed with him. i'll share to you one of my 'BINGO' moments. here it goes...

doc: how do you check the palpatory blood pressure
me: (explaining as best as i could)we put the cuff first, then palpate the radial artery. inflate the cuff and release slowly until the first sound is heard
doc: ulitin mo nga ulit doktora
me getting toxic repeated again what i have said without noticing my mistake.
MAN! my groupmate (who acted as my patient) was smiling at me while i look at him, still unknowing what wrong i have said.
doc: do you auscultate the radial artery? how come you have heard the beat?
well that's when i laughed at myself and said 'oo nga pala!!! ang toxic!' nakakahiya pero buti na lang mabait din ung doctor, he let me correct my statement.

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got my patho platings result. really did bad on that one.  have to do double time on that subject.

had platings on pharma too. got perfect on that one. :) something to thank for, be happy about and be inspired of.
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my knight and i will be another month older tommorow. so thankful that after all the trials that we've been through, we have managed to keep it this far. :)

to my knight, as i have sad before, my mind may be busy on a lot of things but my heart will do no other but loving you.

rainy days and mondays

got home early today. thanks to gloria. hehe. buti na lang, coz i wasn't able to prepare for the conference.

i feel sad. it seems my chest feels so heavy. can't think of any underlying cause for that... i'm just so thankful that i got home early and had time to rest. i just finished pulling out my 'props' in my room. :) prelim's over. but as i've said, toxicity ain't over yet.

reason for the title.. those are two things i don't like

TOXIC

i have read my last entry and i've seen how poor i have written.... hehe... ganun na pala ko ka- toxic. well, i just finished my 1st prelims but chasing time aint over yet. still got a plating and report tomorrow. jeez, i haven't done anything yet.

chasing time

whew! it's really hard to chase time and it seems my running isn't fast enough.

in a week, i regularly battle 4 unit exams (called platings- it was 'shifting' when i wus in 1st year. don't know why they call it as such). my schedule is patho on mondays, micro on tuesdays and wednesdays(they give four lectures a week so two that gives two units and yeah, two platings), and pharma every friday. and that's every week, with no fail, of my 1st sem life. plus i have quizzes for every subjects. some even give before and after the lecture (and i get pissed off because its 'define the following' and it has to be by the book. in short the only way to pass is to memorize- just what i hate most).

next week, i'll have five unit exams. omni die. that means a whole week without lunch (unit exams are given at 12 noon so as not to affect the time alloted for lectures). MAN!

i saw my plating grade for patho yesterday. got flunked :( but it's really not so low. pero kahit na, it's still an indication that i need to catch up on that subject. it seems i've been giving most of my effort on pharma so i tend to cram on the others. well pharma's really something to give special attention to. it seems that subject was designed for the students to fail it. they don't even discard the lowest plating that a student got in a semester (like microbio and patho).

something that worries me is my attitude during fridays.it's our last subject and it's after our plating on pharma. yesterday, we had a video quiz and i flunked, a usual quiz for the week's topic, which i flunked again, and a drawing quiz, which i pray i didn't flunk.

i wus then answering the second quiz when my mind got blank. it seems it's refusing my orders to think and answer the questions. i didn't even remember what the instruction was for the last part. the paper is almost blank when i passed it. siguro, i'll also study patho lab on weekends. and i hope what happened yesterday won't happen again.

1st prelims is only a week from now and i'm stuck here in front of the computer doing our transparency. our group will give an orientation regarding our pharma experiment on monday. damn, i still have to type our thesis proposals. got to run!

just remember, i miss seeing my knight every friday. something that i don't anymore have the luxury of doing... just hang on there. two more weeks. :)