half lang... half lang nakangiti... kasi yung half...haaaay... 

a blessing

at long last, i have seen a light in the dark. the darkness was fast consuming me and i was already close to losing hope, but then again, God has proven to be there. i cant help but get excited. i didn't expect it will be that soon. with all my heart, i thank THEE for this wonderful blessing. it is easier to breathe now.

had a sip of vodka today. it's been a long time since the last time i have tasted alcohol. thanks to my cousin. :) just had a SIP. still have to do my CPC and report tonight.

day dreaming....grrrr

I’ve been staring at my book for 10 minutes now and I’ve realized I haven’t read anything or have understood a single word that my eyes have passed on. My mind seems to be somewhere beyond the walls of this room.

Yesterday, I was in the OPD with a friend. Somehow, I had a glimpse of my future. The thought made me anxious though. I never wanted the kind of life that I have seen. And with every chance, I knew I will try to escape from it. But the decision I have made doesn’t give me much of the chance. I’m afraid I only led myself more to the abyss. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not about being a doctor. It’s about going into the real world. I guess I will never become ready to plunge into it.

I have been dreaming of going to a far off place to ponder on things. Life here has not been so kind to render solitude. Maybe there I can find a stranger to talk to. It’s easier to think that I have shared my thoughts to someone who is not a part of my life and to know that at the end of the day, I will never see him again. And i hope my anxiety will go as i watch him leave.

Yesterday...

I procrastinated and im proud of it!

it wasn't plannned, though. yesterday morning i went to school to get my manual which i shouldnt have left in my locker. just went to the parlor in the afternoon and treated myself. now, im cramming to finish my reading for my regular shifting in patho tomorrow. harharhar. oh well, c'est la vie!

thankful

i feel ok now. i realized i'm so blessed to have someone who holds my hand when i feel so low and gives me reassurance that everything will be alright.

thank you..more than words can say...

i'm losing it... i do not know how long i've been keeping this anxiety within me. right now, i just feel too saturated to continue... for a time, i have tried to be a friend to myself, trying to cure my own wounds. but then i've realized that each passing day, the wounds aren't healing at all...

i'm tired...

i better get help.

CODE C

one of my bad days...

i got stuck in traffic this morning. and that's because of the usual reason during this season: FLOOD. i don't think the government is doing its job. for a common road to be closed just because of negligence in a what should be an anticipated problem during rainy days pisses me, and i think all of us, off. i usually leave my house early. i've been disciplining my self to be professional, especially time wise, since the beginning of this SY. i cannot, and would never, let it be destroyed for any reason. so there i was, stuck in traffic for ten minutes. seeing many people walking convinced me that it's hopless. i, together with my sister, decided to walk. it was 7 am then on my watch (ten minutes advance from my school) and the distance we have to travel was no joke. oh well, we have tried a short cut but ended up getting stuck again in traffic. we had no choice but get on our feet and walk from commonwealth to dahlia ave. got in the ward at 730. damn.. still late but better than being absent.

made the usual history taking today at the ward. we had a 26 year old mentally retarded patient with dengue. our proctor was unusually early today (usually, he meet us 30 minutes before the time). we've been waiting for him to come out from their office to discuss the history when an emergency happened. a patient had an attack, i suppose, which caused all the PGIs, nurses and residents to flood the room. the way they went to the scene was very distinct- the PGIs with their worried faces hurriedly rushed to the patient while the gods (residents) looked reserved and calm as if nothing unusual is happening (they have even managed to greet each other... i don't know if that was their way to fight the usual reponse that a person in an emergency situation should have. but damn them, they are all good actors).

later, our proctor came and led us a few feet away from the scene, and explained what was happening. it was a case termed CODE C or, in some hospitals they call it, CODE BLUE which means a patient is in a life and death situation and an emergency procedure has to be done to save him. we discussed the history at that same room. me and my groupmates had a hard time... its not easy to keep our composure knowing that someone just a few feet away from us is battling for his life. well maybe that's the lesson our proctor wanted us to learn today.

i had a glimpse of the patient before we left the ward. i have only seen his abdomen with a meny tubes lying above it (they have covered his place with a divider). i pray he'll survive the crisis.

really tired already. now, i want to go home and sleep... unfortunately, i cannot afford to do that. :)