it seems my complain on being insensitive was answered. yesterday, i was totally mad and i almost turned my room upside down. i wanted to throw anything that i lay my eyes on.
the reason? three messages that i received yesterday. only three messages and it ruined my day.
text 1: Happy 6 mos.! I really missed u. keep healthy, cute n loving..i love u more now.
- i do not know if he remember when exactly is our monthsary...and when everything all started. our monthsary is today not yesterday. i texted him to point it out but didn't care to admit the mistake (well he might be thinking 'at least i'm early' how nice of him. NOT!) second, today is our 7th monthsary. that's S-E-V-E-N. now i don't know anymore if that message is for me or it really came from him.
text 2: Hahaha!sori..7 mos. na pla! Hmm, it doesnt (matter) enimor. lam mo nmang mhal n mhal kta n im COMMITTED 2 u..:)
-talk about COMMITMENT! how unnerving! this one i can't take anymore so i texted him back with one line 'it does.' i should have let my anger get the best of me and texted him painful words and let out all my complaints. now i thank myself for having self control. really huge self control! how could he say he's commited to me when he doesn't even seem to remember the significant dates of our commitment? worse? this is the FOURTH time it happened. i don't want to comment on 'lam mo namang mahal na mahal kita' coz the anger couldn't just be deciphered. ugh!
text 3: Sori..bobo tlaga ko s numbers e.. i know u fil bad about our situation..il make up 4 it..i promise.
-what a nice reason. i knew he's bad with numbers but i didn't know his memory is failing too. and 'bad' doesn't fit my feelings. i feel worse. and not just to the situation but to him who put me into it and to myself for letting it all happen. no need for promises. i had enough them.
today is our monthsary. no reason to celebrate. my heart is bursting with anger.
lunes, mayo 31, 2004
domingo, mayo 30, 2004
Numb
(supposedly posted last night)
On my way home, I was reminiscing my conversation with Papsi about my situation. I just can’t believe that no matter how much details I spilled out, no matter how unfair and cruel those details were, I didn’t feel pain. There were no tears and long pauses that came from me as expected. Not even did I feel tightness in my chest like there’s something in my esophagus but trying my very best not to throw it out making it difficult for me to swallow, to breathe, to think clearly (that is the usual scenario when I’m fighting not to cry about a heartache). It seems like I only related someone else’s story. I do not know if that is a good indication that I can get over him easily.
I even managed to smile. Was that ironic or weird?
What’s more weird is that, I still didn’t feel pain while thinking about the whole conversation. Not even Papsi’s irritation and anger moved me to feel the same either for my man or for this situation. What is happening with my senses? I cannot imagine that something as serious as being in the danger of losing something I hold so dear in my heart will be casual for me to talk about. I am certain I was in love with my man when I entered a relationship with him. I fought for him and considered him as my destiny. So I cannot believe myself now for not feeling anything at all. Not even hatred nor pity for my self. I just can’t give up without finding an explanation to this. Or must I believe that something is wrong with me. Had I just anticipated really well what will happen this past two months? Or am I just fed up with everything?
- - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - -
He texted me a while ago. He told me he’s sick. I ran out of prepaid so I cannot text him back. I do not know why I don’t feel worried about not being able to text back.
On my way home, I was reminiscing my conversation with Papsi about my situation. I just can’t believe that no matter how much details I spilled out, no matter how unfair and cruel those details were, I didn’t feel pain. There were no tears and long pauses that came from me as expected. Not even did I feel tightness in my chest like there’s something in my esophagus but trying my very best not to throw it out making it difficult for me to swallow, to breathe, to think clearly (that is the usual scenario when I’m fighting not to cry about a heartache). It seems like I only related someone else’s story. I do not know if that is a good indication that I can get over him easily.
I even managed to smile. Was that ironic or weird?
What’s more weird is that, I still didn’t feel pain while thinking about the whole conversation. Not even Papsi’s irritation and anger moved me to feel the same either for my man or for this situation. What is happening with my senses? I cannot imagine that something as serious as being in the danger of losing something I hold so dear in my heart will be casual for me to talk about. I am certain I was in love with my man when I entered a relationship with him. I fought for him and considered him as my destiny. So I cannot believe myself now for not feeling anything at all. Not even hatred nor pity for my self. I just can’t give up without finding an explanation to this. Or must I believe that something is wrong with me. Had I just anticipated really well what will happen this past two months? Or am I just fed up with everything?
- - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - -
He texted me a while ago. He told me he’s sick. I ran out of prepaid so I cannot text him back. I do not know why I don’t feel worried about not being able to text back.
viernes, mayo 28, 2004
martes, mayo 25, 2004
way too soon
i was saving my first blog posting for the first day of my loneliness. not that i am eager for that moment to come. i was only getting my self ready for the heartache. i knew i couldnt go on battling medicine with so much burden in my heart and no one to talk to. i just had to get it all out from me somewhere. and luckily, i found this!
my relationship is deteriorating but it's still alive, gasping for breath i suppose... and my 'luvie' has no idea on its present condition. not that i'm undermining his senses.. i know he feels that something is wrong. he might be fighting it and convincing himself that theyre not true. hmmm... enough about him. i should be talking about my feelings here. well its only one word ---LONELINESS.
my relationship is deteriorating but it's still alive, gasping for breath i suppose... and my 'luvie' has no idea on its present condition. not that i'm undermining his senses.. i know he feels that something is wrong. he might be fighting it and convincing himself that theyre not true. hmmm... enough about him. i should be talking about my feelings here. well its only one word ---LONELINESS.
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