current status removed

sh@t! i thought i would not be able to remove that post. whew. i think i better stop doing fb. you know when you have all these emotions going on and your hands landed on a keyboard you find yourself exposing to the whole world how you feel and yes, afterward regretting that you did it big time. im no krissy A. and i have learned to keep things low key. but hey, i still need this blog to vent a little sometimes. well at least this is not like fb where everyone knows whose wall this belongs. i wish life also have that remove button. you don't want your current status? that's easy. click remove and then type another one.

when things get awry, it calls for a bonding time with friends. hang out with them and talk nonstop until you get it all out of your system then come home relieved. well that is exactly the problem now. when i was working my ass in the hospital as a junior and senior intern, i was craving for time to spend with friends and maybe a special someone. now that i have all these time, i can't even find someone to spend it with. where were they? true friends are hard to find and hard to keep. i lost one last year and two this year. those were the closest ones.

a couple of nights ago, i talked to a friend who is living miles away. we fondly call each other buddies. maybe, she sensed how i was feeling that's why she called me. the conversation was nice and long and personal. i miss it. i miss that kind of conversation that you know someone is truly listening to you, empathizing to whatever issue you have. in the end, she told me something that is maybe a little bit painful to accept but that's what true friends are. Friends are those who are not afraid to tell you bitter things not to crush your spirit but to help you to become a better person. deep inside, you know that those bitter things were always the truth.

her words were:

"ikaw kase bud, kahit dati pa, ang hilig-hilig mong pumasok sa mga komplikadong bagay..."

- to which i strongly disagreed and told her all i wanted was the opposite. but looking back, bud was right. what all those persons have in common was me. whatever role i played in their lives was something that i allowed or chose to be. i wanted something else but i did otherwise. i can't blame that to some twist of fate.

she also added,

"...go out there. meet strangers. do whatever you want to do. don't let it hold you back."

i was afraid. now i know i shouldn't be. maybe it will take a lot of getting used to. but i won't hold myself back. not now. not this time.



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star strucked

had I known we had reserved seats, i could have spent more time outside taking pictures until my battery dies out. but it's ok. he's the only reason why i attended that exhausting premiere night. i just wanted to see him in person.




gwapo nya. oh em ghee.

i hate it that they didn't allow cameras inside the cinema. peeps from OMB were there. haler, as if naman may magtatangkang mag film nung movie in a premiere night di ba? talk about pakitang tao.. or pakitang camera? LOL so i took these photos using the camera phone of my sister. and since it's dark in there, the photos were not that good.

this was taken outside using my sister's ever reliable digicam.

we weren't just given free tickets but 'highly' reserved seats as well. there were marshalls who guarded and made sure no one touches our precious seats. LOL. thanks once again ms. cecile. you are truly a royalty. i felt so blessed to be seated there.

i got a snap shot of ms. cecile's shoes while she was on the red carpet talking to her fans. i got so hiya so i didn't approach her. but then it seems our paths always crossed. i saw her again in starbuko after the premiere night together with Ms. Pia M. (the wifey of Francis M.) and her friends.

JLC is one of the few young actors i have seen who doesn't need a dialogue nor to cry in order to deliver and to give justice to his role. that's why i love JLC. and he's so gwapo too. when he looks at you, para kang matutunaw. *kilig*



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screaming my heart out

my birthday gift made it in time. i am going to see JLC tomorrow face to face.

i love JLC!

thank you, chuvaness!




>>

confirmed

we were hoping the news wasn't true but all those i have texted confirmed it. she died yesterday. cause of death: strangulation. for whatever reason, i don't know. i don't think anybody knows.

have you ever thought of taking your own life? the only time i remember i wished im dead was when i was cleaning the intestines of my dead rotting cat pudai, a specimen i had when i was still a bio student. i wanted to throw her away because i can't stop the decomposition from happening anymore. maggots were everywhere. gross. but i can't. i'm going to fail my anatomy class if i did so i just wished some mad man just come running out of nowhere and shot me in the head and it will all be over. babaw no? effect ata ng formalin yun. hehe.

seriously, i wish i knew her more. i wish at least she got a chance to talk to someone and felt loved, secured, and learn there's someone she can trust. for weeks now, i have been wishing to have a girl friend (oi not in a romantic way ha). someone i can chat all day about anything without having to think about solutions. someone who can bum around with me, perhaps we can go to some isolated beach and bask in the sun in our skimpy bikinis (yes, i have the guts). i only have a few girl friends and all of them are taken already. they have more responsibilities now and a regular date they can't just ignore. though i know my boys will always be there for me but it's still different to be with the girls. i can be kikay and all; wear make up, a fancy dress, and high heels without worrying that i will get teased and laughed at (my boys can be so unforgiving). but i still love my boys despite the fact that when im with them, i have to blend. nagmumukha na tuloy akong tomboy minsan.

i have added to my birthday wish list to have an unattached, carefree, girl friend who can stand my trippings in life (haha). it's just kind of sad that someone i have come across with committed suicide. we went to the same med school and same internship program. im just thinking, maybe i could be her friend. i could have been the one to be there for her, share my bedroom perhaps if she doesn't want to spend the night alone. and maybe, she wouldn't have thought of killing herself. hay. kalungkot.

if there's someone out there who meets the criteria above, or at least anyone who needs somebody, im just here. im alone too. we can hang out together and be happy.




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i hate you, barang!

i just saw the title in one of the sites i have visited a couple of days ago. i can't remember for what it was. i thought it was a song so i first looked it up in you tube. but i was just surprised to find out it's a barbra movie- directed, produced and starred by no other than herself. but because i was already intrigued, i downloaded it. now i feel sorry having watched it. it feels like i just buried myself much deeper. i was grinning on the first part of the movie and then i found myself crying even before it reached half. damn this movie. i hate the scriptwriter too. barbra's lines were good especially the dialogue she delivered when she was teaching in class and when she broke up with her husband.

i hate crying before going to bed. i hate you barang! i hate you!!!

"i believe in love and lust and sex and romance. i don't want everything to add up to some prefect equation. i want mess and chaos. i want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. i want to feel passion and heat and sweat and madness. i want valentines and cupid and all the rest of that crap. i want it all."

- barbra

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buzzing news

i was shocked when a friend texted me a while ago asking if i knew that someone died and if she committed suicide. someone heard it in the radio daw. i am really shocked. i don't recall the name that she gave me but according to her, she's a batch lower than mine and that she went to the same internship program that i did. she just passed the boards last aug. i am so puzzled. what happened to her? i hope it's not true.




>>

today, i came across this:

To love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.


ayaw talaga akong tantanan... haaayyyzzz





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heaven and chocolate

does your chocolate cake have four kinds of chocolate?



ate and i thought it's too sweet but it is not. good deal for it's price. i heart the brownie layer.
sorry, the picture aint good coz i just took it with my laptop. laazzyy pwincess heehee.

chocolate heaven from red ribbon is a combination of four kinds of chocolate goodness in every mouthful - chocolate brownie, mousse, ganache and curls.

my two year old nephew loves the curls.


ash Wednesday is tomorrow. don't forget to go to mass and have your forehead ashed.




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eeeww

getting through this day is hard. good thing there's only few hours left and it's over. my gawd. this is so not true. what is happening? yaiks.

hayayay i wish i have you (whoever you are) now when i have all these time to spend with you. but as my good friend said, all things come to those who wait and have faith.

i saw JLC and bea's new movie on tv. i really wanna watch.mom told me she wanna come. so it's gonna be a mom-daughter date. well THAT definitely is not an 'ew'.


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when you find it don't let go...

happy valentines, everyone. i wish you all more love throughout the year.





i wish i have a voice like hers. so powerful and timeless.





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mga mensahe

something i got from peysbuk app today:
when you are feeling anxious, remember to breathe. Allow yourself to breathe in and out slowly. Allow your breath to bring you to a place of calmness. Allow yourself to be calm like the eye in the center of the storm.

Take time to just be, to breath slowly, to feel your body that is the temple of your soul. No activities, no worries, no buzzing.


to all the girls out there:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. -yeah, they should do that for themselves

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? -init lang ng katawan hanap nyan noh. badtrip lang hindi pa mag- ingat. nag- iiwan pa ng 'remembrance' hahahaha.

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up. -and get into trouble when you are branded as a nagger. duh! hindi naman dahil hindi maganda ang sinabi nagna- nag na.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. -told yah

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. -two thumbs up

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage.
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. -deal daw at wag kalimutan na lang

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. -two whole become one

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. -or your mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.




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did you know...

Dr. Romulo Virola, secretary-general of the National Statistical Coordination Board (NSCB), said that in the year 2000, less than half of the country's population (45.7%) were married. Back in the 80s, he said 50.6% of Filipinos have exchanged "I do's."

In 2008, only 50.7% of women aged 15 to 49 were married, down from 54.4% in 1993.

"Has love become more expensive, or is it because Pinoy men of earlier generations had stronger appeal than this Piolo Pascual or Gerald Anderson?" Virola said in his column at the NSCB website.

"Whatever, for those who are looking to tie yourselves with a knot, you know your prospects have gone higher, provided of course, that you are willing to marry anyone who is unmarried," he added.

Separation, live-in relationships

On the other hand, the number of Filipinos who have ended their marriage has increased.

In the year 2000, one out of every 100 Filipinos was separated from his or her partner.

In 2008, about 3 out of every 100 Filipino women aged 15 to 49 were separated from their partners, higher than 2 per hundred in 1993.

"Does this point to the gradual disintegration of the Pinoy family as an institution? To think that family life is the most important source of happiness for many Pinoys. How sad," Virola lamented.

Aside from separations, Virola also noted a rise in common-law relationships through the years.

In 2008, 11 out of 100 Filipino women aged 15 to 49 years old were living in with their partners from only 5 out of 100 back in 1993.

"Sign of the times? But don't you think the old-fashioned pamamanhikan or kasalan sounds romantic?" Virola said.

First marriage, birth

From 1993 to 2008, more Filipino women have decided to marry later as their median age at first marriage has gone up by a year.

Virola said most urban women got married at age 23 (from 22), while majority of those situated in the rural areas tied the knot at 21 years old (from 20).

Likewise, the median age at first birth has gone slightly up. Most urban women gave birth at 24 years old in 2008 (from 23), while rural women had their first child at 22 years old (from 21).

"But this is still very young by Commission of Population standards, I am sure. On the average, women in the rural areas marry at least one year earlier than women in urban areas," he said.

-LOVE BY NUMBERS, fast facts about Filipino relationships. whole article here.

afraid...

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wish ko lang

hay. i wish to be loved like this. haha. ambisyosa.










but maybe it has more impact if he's gonna do more than that, di ba? i mean, if you love someone, mag-iintay ka nalang ba? life is short. time is wasted. haha. ambisyosa talaga.
naku wala akong pinapatamaan. shucks. i just happen to like this song.




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bagong taon part 2 sa araw ng pag- ibig

few more days before the chinese new year. i still have time to reread my resolutions and add some other things that i wanted to accomplish for this year. woohoo. buti nalang may chinese new year. meron pa akong chance for adjustments. hehe. call it madaya. i don't care. i feel lucky having another new year celebration in february especially when my january didn't turn out so well. i literally felt a dagger in my chest while attending mass on january 1st, much like to an angina pectoris. don't worry. it's not health related and it's already a case solved.

is it also perfect timing that the new year will be celebrated on heart's day? hmmm that reminds me, this is the third year i am going to celebrate heart's day in my fabulous single blessedness state. well, i really don't mind coz the first year after my ex and i split up, i spent valentines with my boys. they gave me a surprise dinner date with them and got a bouquet of roses pa. hay. im really lucky to have friends like them. on the second year i spent the whole day studying for the boards but still was lucky to receive a rose from one of my guy pals. this year, i am not expecting anything. spending it this time with my family is enough for me. hindi naman exclusive for lovers ang balentayms.

love. pano na nga ba ang umibig? oi ang gandang title in fernez. i believe we all have a lesson or two learned about love. we also had our share of heartaches and joy in loving. at this age, lahat naman siguro tayo naranasan ng madapa at natuto na ding bumangon. naalala ko noong naghiwalay kami ng ex ko, nag-wish ako na sana yung susunod ko namang love story yung parang feel good movie naman. awat na ang heavy drama. sana yung mas maraming kilig moments at syempre, sana this time, yung may happy ending na. sa kabila ng lahat ng hindi magandang nangyari, naniniwala pa rin ako sa 'and they live happily ever after'. naniniwala pa din ako na meron talagang 'wagas na pag-ibig.'

minsan, naisipan kong balikan yung mga paborito kong feel good movies katulad nung mga movies ni JLC at sarah, JLC and bea. tapos, binalikan ko din yung mga heavy drama nina sharon-gabi at aga-lea. napansin ko lang, hindi naman nagkakalayo ang mga conflict sa istorya nila. hindi naman masyadong mababaw yung problema sa feel good movie at hindi rin naman kalaliman yung problema sa mga heavy drama. mas matitindi lang talaga ang mga dialogues sa heavy drama at syempre, sa feel good movie, nakasisigurado ka na may happy ending. naisip ko tuloy, siguro ganun lang din sa totoong buhay. pwede nating gawing heavy drama or feel good movie ang takbo ng istorya. pwede nating palakihin o paliitin ang isang isyu. sana pwede rin pumili ng happy ending.

at this age, ano na ba ang natutunan ko about relationship? sa tingin ko hindi naman masyadong marami kung ikukumpara sa mga kaibigan ko. isa pa, i always felt that i was outgrown by my friends. isa ako sa mga kakaunting natitira na single pa rin hanggang ngayon. pero ganun naman talaga pag nasa ganito kang propesyon. parang kang late bloomer. hindi ko pa naranasan na iisang tao lang ang nakikita ko bago ako matulog at pag- gising ko sa umaga. hindi ko din alam kung ano ang pakiramdam maghintay sa gabi na umuwi yung taong mahal mo. hanggang ngayon, naririnig ko lang sila. lahat ng alam ko, base lang sa kwento ng ibang tao tungkol sa mga problema nila sa relasyon at pagpapamilya.

noong bata pa ako, akala ko pag nakita mo na yung taong mamahalin mo at minahal ka din nya, yun na yung end ng story. tapos nung nakipagrelasyon na ako, na-realize ko na hindi pala ganun. para palang makina ang isang relasyon. laging kelangan langisan at i- tune up para tumagal. na- realize ko din na hindi lang pala basta masaya ako, okey na. hindi lang pala tungkol sa kin ang isang relasyon. kelangan din pala ng sakripisyo para sa minamahal mo. a relationship is a compromise and always a work in progress. and just like other things in life, you can't ask for fruits you didn't sow.

sa love, meron akong konting important lessons na natutunan. one is never say never. nakaranas ka na ba ng sitwasyon na parang paulit ulit na nangyayari sa buhay mo? yun parang pakiramdam mo, ayaw kang tantanan? ako may isa. nung una parang nakakainis isipin. sarap mag reklamo ng bakit palagi nalang ako. umiwas nung pangalawang beses, thinking, natuto na kase ako kaya 'never again!'. but then i realized, hindi naman pagkatuto ang pag- iwas. and not because i allowed it to happen again means that i didn't learn. baka naman kaya nauulit para mabigyan ako ng chance na baguhin ko naman yung takbo ng istorya. yung gawin ko naman yung hindi ko nagawa noon para maimprove yung outcome.

siguro more than hoping to be found, we must learn to keep our hearts open to the possibility. we all wish for forever but we don't even want to take that step of putting our hearts on the line. i don't know if it is better to live a life alone, assured that nobody can hurt you than to take the risk of loving and feel being loved in return. i didn't wish to be alone my entire life. i still have that faith that i won't be left empty handed. again and again, i will put my heart on the line. yes, it might hurt but at least i have that chance to love and be loved and belong to a relationship that may last for a lifetime.




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my call

this you may not understand. i won't elaborate much further. everything will be revealed in time. i just want to show you what faith does and that someone up there is listening to our prayers.

it's pink vs white. weeks ago i asked for it and decided to forget about it after i have seen both in tagaytay.

at first i thought i also saw white but when i looked closer they're either light green flower balls (don't know what they're called) or the softest pink rose i have ever seen.

coincidence?

maybe. but my faith overwhelms to regard it as one.

see more of the pictures i took which includes a lot of images of mary

in a marian exhibit in bulacan. click here.

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frustrations of a photographist (anoh daw???)

hi there. it's been a while since my last maayos post (seriously maayos to kahit ganyan ang title haha). i have been busy with post processing and posting pictures from our calatagan adventure last weekend. i was so happy that my first ever photo in panoramic view got a good review and won me a free accommodation on my next visit to calatagan. (heehee so happy. thanks sir willie!!!). i was also happy that some of my shots fared well with those from my other companions who were dslr users. but i still have a few frustrations not owning a better camera. let me show you why...

exhibit 1:


this is another panoramic view taken at the lighthouse. i could have took more sky if i were using a wide angle lens here.

exhibit 2:

again, the beautiful sky is lacking in this picture.

exhibit 3:


can you see the little green ones that look like miniature pine trees behind the coral? they look nice, no? my camera cant capture those without the blur.


exhibit 4:



honestly, i like the way the sunset was captured here. in some of the pictures i saw, they were focused more on the sun's spherical figure. im more interested on its rays. but i still do believe that i could have captured more if i can adjust the shutter speed and aperture of my gadget. what do you think?


so is it time to have one like this?

nah, don't think so. besides, i still believe im not yet into that level plus i love candid shots. i can't do that with a huge camera. maybe a micro four thirds or an lx3 will do for me now. later nalang siguro ang dslr when im older or maybe when i feel the need for it (and have the mooolah to buy hehe).

(photo by Neil)

that's my sister's P&S that i borrowed for the trip. hindi ako nahiyang ilabas yan kahit lahat sila naka dslr haha. well sabi nga sa peyspuk, hindi lahat ng naka- dslr ay photographer at katulad din ng laging sinasabi ng aking friendship na artist, wala yan sa camera. =) PEACE.

see more of the photos i took in my flickr and feel free to give comments and suggestions so i can improve on my shots next time.




My answer part 2:

wag nyo nalang pansinin ang 1st part ng post ko. maganda lang kase ang kanta. honestly, hinahanap na din ng katawan ko ang pagod, puyat, at sakit ng ulo at katawan ng buhay ospital not to mention dealing with the biatches, the kiss-ass, and the gods (note: hindi ako masokista). i just feel that it's high time to get out of my comfort zone, test my limits and prove again what i am made of. at isa pa, gusto ko na din umalis dito sa bahay. it's not because i don't like being with my family. it's just that i want to live on my own. gumawa ng mga sarili kong diskarte sa buhay. mga ganung bagay.





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my answer

i believe there's nothing wrong with taking a break nor to stop for a while to smell the flowers. especially when life has been like riding a speed bus.

so para sa mga nagtatanong kung bakit wala pa din akong ginagawa sa buhay ko, eto po ang sagot.







akala nyo lang wala. pero meron, meron, meron!


tamang tama ang pagpunta ko sa calatagan last weekend. i was there once again breathing fresh air and then they all drifted away. i was free once more.

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