apple of my eyes

just arrived from amadeo, cavite (known for their coffee). building houses was tiring yet fun. just want to thank cya for always bringing me back to the apple of my eyes (for two times i went with them, i get the chance to go back to the place that has enchanted me). sorry, i wasn't able to get a picture of it.

Farewell

when i was young, mommy and lola always tell us that she didn't love us. that her niece was more important to her than her true grandchildren. it didn't really matter to me then since i was too young to understand... to feel the insecurity that they were feeling for us.

later on, i realized maybe they're right. i remember mom and dad asking her to live with us. she will stay for a week but after that she will ask mom to drive her back.

she wasn't able to watch us grow....

i can't recall when she finally decided to stay with us for good. but what i do remember was that in all those time, i wasn't good to her... and none of my siblings were...

Last monday, as i looked at her lying in her bed, i thought of all those times that we have lost... and yes, finally, i have let go of the anger that once was instilled in my mind. for two days, i took care of her. i did it not out of pity but through compassion...i wanted her to feel that she was loved after all.

this morning, after checking her I.V., i stayed beside her for a while. i touched her hand and caressed her forehead. i didn't know that will be the last...

In loving memory of

my grandmother, Doña Apolonia Pascual Bagsic

bakit ganun ang mga forwarded messages?

got this from a friend. i wus smiling the whole time i was reading it. it amazes me how people are connected to each other. how people are meant to feel the pain, anxiety, and hope of another person that they don't even know... that a certain experince is meant to produce one common emotion regardless of who you are or where you're from... amazing...

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong aalalahanin, wala na akong iisipin...
Pero hirap akong matulog sa gabi dahil bumabalik
yung mga alaala noong magkasama kami.
Naiisip ko kung paano niya hawakan yung kamay ko,
yung tipong nagsasabing hindi niya ako iiwanan.
Kung pa'no niya ko yakapin, yung nagsasabing lagi niya akong poprotektahan.
At kung pa'no niya ako halikan, yung nagsasabing mahal na mahal nya ako.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako iiyak pa...
Pero kapag gabi nagagawa ko pa ring umiyak, dahil nami-miss ko siya.
Nami-miss ko yung mga ngiti niyang nakakaloko, mga jokes niyang corny,
mga tingin niyang nakakatunaw, tawa niyang nakakabaliw,
pangungulit niya sa akin at kung anu-ano pang
kapraningan na ginagawa niya.
Nami-miss ko yun...

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Wala na akong tatawagan, hindi na ako magte-text sa kanya,
at makakaipon na ako ng pera para sa sarili ko.
Pero sa tuwing hawak ko ang cell phone ko,
lagi kong hinahanap ang pangalan niya.
Lagi akong nate-tempt na magtext sa kanya, o di naman kaya, tumawag.
Nangangati lagi ang darili ko na pindutin ang "Write Message"
i-type ang message ko,
i-scroll yung button para makita ko yung number niya,
at tapos ipe-press ko yung "Send".
O kaya naman, i-scroll ko yung button para mahanap yung name niya
tapos ipe-press ko yung "Call".
Kahit na alam ko na mauubos na ang load ko
at wala na akong pambili ng credit (dahil kabibigay lang ng nanay ko).
Kahit na alam kong hindi naman sya magre-reply at hinding-hindi nya ako tatawagan.
At kahit kailan hindi na nya gagawin pang magparamdam.

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Magkakaroon na ako ng time para sa sarili ko, sa pamilya ko at sa barkada ko.
Pero sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay, kasama man ang pamilya o barkada ko,
siya lagi ang naaalala ko, na sana, kasama ko siya ngayon.
Magkahawak kamay na namamasyal, naglolokohan, nagkukulitan,
at nagtatawanan.
Tapos, walang katapusang usapan
kung saan kakain ng lunch, kung sa Jollibee, McDo, KFC, o sa Max's.
Kung pupunta ba sa isang game arcade
para maglaro ng video games o di kaya naman, kung maglalaro ng basketball,
bowling or billiards.
Tapos, i-hahatid niya ako papauwi
sabay nanakawan ng halik habang nasa biyahe.

Yehey! Wala na kami.
Hindi na ako magpupuyat sa kakatutok sa computer,
aabutin ng madaling-araw kaka-chat sa kanya.
Pero sa tuwing may ise-search ako sa Internet,
bubuksan ko ang Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, ICQ, at MIRC
dahil baka sakaling dumating siya.
Makausap ko man lang, makikipagkulitan uli
at baka sakaling magkaliwanagan kami at maibalik ang dating "kami".

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong boyfriend, pwede na akong tumingin sa iba
at tumanggap ng manliligaw.
Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi na ako magmamahal pa uli.
Dahil siya lang ang mahal ko.
Siya lang ang nakaka-kumpleto sa araw ko,
siya lang yung inspirasyon ko sa mga bagay-bagay.
Siya lang yung nakakaintindi sa akin kapag may problema ako.
Siya lang yung nakakapagpatahan sa akin kapag umiiyak ako.
Siya lang ang buhay ko, siya lang, wala ng iba.
Magmamahal din ako, pero hindi muna ngayon,
hindi muna...

me

i'm sorry if saying how i feel now would make you angry/ irritated or whatever you call it. but this is me. they say women are hard to understand... in that part i do believe in that.( i do not have any intention for that matter to speak for every woman in this world.)

i am fickle minded... but being fickle minded doesn't mean to say what i'm saying are lies. they are my true feelings. for that certain point in time that i've said them, they are true...

the only lie i made in all of this was something that didn't even came out of my mouth. and yes, i was already punished for that. and i believe i have suffered more than i should.

i'm not perfect. no matter how much i try to be, i can never be a perfect daughter, friend, partner, or student. i have commited a lot of mistakes and i'm sure i'll commit more of them in the future. (i'm sorry, but i believe that is the essence of being a human- to commit mistakes and learn from them). at this point, i admit that it was my big mistake to say NEVER to something that i have no control of...

i have exerted so much effort to move on. i may say that it's progressive but my heart just can't let go.

we have only one life. i don't want to spend mine in waste. i can have all the riches and fame in the world, but those will never be enough to make a person feel complete. they say there's only one way... that is to follow your heart.

one day you will find your greatest love. someone that you will be willing to go against all the odds for that person... that you're willing to exchange anything and everything just to have a moment with her. and when that time comes, you will then understand.

if you're just worrying about me, thank you. don't worry i'll think a million times before i make my final decision and i'll ask GOD for guidance.

exhibit 1: thought for the week

how do you know that you've found the one?

How can i not love you?

i heard this song again...

Cannot Touch, Cannot Hold
Cannot Be Together
Cannot Love, Cannot Kiss
Cannot Have Each Other
Must Be Strong
And We Must Let Go
Cannot Say What Our Hearts Must Know

How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Walks Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone
Cannot Dream
Cannot Share Sweet And Tender Moments
Cannot Feel How We Feel
Must Pretend Its over
Must Be Brave
And We Must Go On
Must Not Say What We've Known All Along

How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Walks Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone
How Can I Not Love You
Must Be Brave
And We Must Be Strong
Cannot Say What We've Known All Along


How Can I Not Love You
What Do I Tell My Heart
When Do I Not Want You Here In My Arms
How Does One Waltz Away From All Of The Memories
How Do I Not Miss You When You Are Gone
How Can I Not Love You When You Are Gone

...now my heart is in pieces

Doulos

tomorrow could have been a very important date for me. just can't help but remenisce the day it all started. this song reminded me of it...

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended too soon

You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

The moment that I saw you cry

It was late in september
And I've seen you before (and you were)
You were always the cold one
But i was never that sure
You were all by yourself
Staring at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....

I'll always remember...
It was late afternoon...
In places no one would find...

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

it's funny how a single song described it all, like it was written based on my experience.
yes, even the month was the same.... it was sweet september.

Hope for the Flowers

I'm like the catterpillar in the story i have so loved in college. like him, i have fought to get on top of the pillar and like him i was kicked off and fell on the ground just before i reached the top.

it was sad at first but then i've realized being on the race isn't the name of the game. i left the pillar but i know one day i'll be up there too. . . someday when i have developed my wings.

going nowhere

all this time i've been running.... and now, i don't know where i am. i guess this depression is getting the best of me.. it has affected my loved ones too. ive been thinking of getting professional help. i can't anymore sleep because of the nightmares. they just seem wont stop. crying doesn't relieve anything anymore. if somebody can just hold me tight enough that i can't anymore let go and run again... to the one i have hurted so much, sorry. i'm just too broken. i dont anymore know how can i help myself.

the only truth that i know about me is the fear that i have been hiding... that one day everything that i have in my hands will slip away... and yes, it seems that fear is coming true. tomorrow what will be next... i do not know... i'm becoming more of an observer of my own life. i wish the world will stop turning for a moment... i need to breathe... but then i realized i lost my air.

sana, heaven will grant my final wish....

half lang... half lang nakangiti... kasi yung half...haaaay... 

a blessing

at long last, i have seen a light in the dark. the darkness was fast consuming me and i was already close to losing hope, but then again, God has proven to be there. i cant help but get excited. i didn't expect it will be that soon. with all my heart, i thank THEE for this wonderful blessing. it is easier to breathe now.

had a sip of vodka today. it's been a long time since the last time i have tasted alcohol. thanks to my cousin. :) just had a SIP. still have to do my CPC and report tonight.

day dreaming....grrrr

I’ve been staring at my book for 10 minutes now and I’ve realized I haven’t read anything or have understood a single word that my eyes have passed on. My mind seems to be somewhere beyond the walls of this room.

Yesterday, I was in the OPD with a friend. Somehow, I had a glimpse of my future. The thought made me anxious though. I never wanted the kind of life that I have seen. And with every chance, I knew I will try to escape from it. But the decision I have made doesn’t give me much of the chance. I’m afraid I only led myself more to the abyss. But don’t get me wrong, it’s not about being a doctor. It’s about going into the real world. I guess I will never become ready to plunge into it.

I have been dreaming of going to a far off place to ponder on things. Life here has not been so kind to render solitude. Maybe there I can find a stranger to talk to. It’s easier to think that I have shared my thoughts to someone who is not a part of my life and to know that at the end of the day, I will never see him again. And i hope my anxiety will go as i watch him leave.

Yesterday...

I procrastinated and im proud of it!

it wasn't plannned, though. yesterday morning i went to school to get my manual which i shouldnt have left in my locker. just went to the parlor in the afternoon and treated myself. now, im cramming to finish my reading for my regular shifting in patho tomorrow. harharhar. oh well, c'est la vie!

thankful

i feel ok now. i realized i'm so blessed to have someone who holds my hand when i feel so low and gives me reassurance that everything will be alright.

thank you..more than words can say...

i'm losing it... i do not know how long i've been keeping this anxiety within me. right now, i just feel too saturated to continue... for a time, i have tried to be a friend to myself, trying to cure my own wounds. but then i've realized that each passing day, the wounds aren't healing at all...

i'm tired...

i better get help.

CODE C

one of my bad days...

i got stuck in traffic this morning. and that's because of the usual reason during this season: FLOOD. i don't think the government is doing its job. for a common road to be closed just because of negligence in a what should be an anticipated problem during rainy days pisses me, and i think all of us, off. i usually leave my house early. i've been disciplining my self to be professional, especially time wise, since the beginning of this SY. i cannot, and would never, let it be destroyed for any reason. so there i was, stuck in traffic for ten minutes. seeing many people walking convinced me that it's hopless. i, together with my sister, decided to walk. it was 7 am then on my watch (ten minutes advance from my school) and the distance we have to travel was no joke. oh well, we have tried a short cut but ended up getting stuck again in traffic. we had no choice but get on our feet and walk from commonwealth to dahlia ave. got in the ward at 730. damn.. still late but better than being absent.

made the usual history taking today at the ward. we had a 26 year old mentally retarded patient with dengue. our proctor was unusually early today (usually, he meet us 30 minutes before the time). we've been waiting for him to come out from their office to discuss the history when an emergency happened. a patient had an attack, i suppose, which caused all the PGIs, nurses and residents to flood the room. the way they went to the scene was very distinct- the PGIs with their worried faces hurriedly rushed to the patient while the gods (residents) looked reserved and calm as if nothing unusual is happening (they have even managed to greet each other... i don't know if that was their way to fight the usual reponse that a person in an emergency situation should have. but damn them, they are all good actors).

later, our proctor came and led us a few feet away from the scene, and explained what was happening. it was a case termed CODE C or, in some hospitals they call it, CODE BLUE which means a patient is in a life and death situation and an emergency procedure has to be done to save him. we discussed the history at that same room. me and my groupmates had a hard time... its not easy to keep our composure knowing that someone just a few feet away from us is battling for his life. well maybe that's the lesson our proctor wanted us to learn today.

i had a glimpse of the patient before we left the ward. i have only seen his abdomen with a meny tubes lying above it (they have covered his place with a divider). i pray he'll survive the crisis.

really tired already. now, i want to go home and sleep... unfortunately, i cannot afford to do that. :)

go the distance

been listening to this song yesterday. i realized i have gone weary fighting my battle... well, this song did made help. it inspired me again.

...one of my favorite

I have often dreamed of a far off place,
Where a heros welcome would be waiting for me.
Where the crowds would cheer, when they see my face,
And a voice keeps saying this is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance.
I will find my way if I can be strong.
I know every mile would be worth my while,
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong.

Down an unknown road to embrace my fate,
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you.
And a thousand years would be worth the wait.
It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back, I can go the distance,
And I'll stay on track, no I won't accept defeat,
It's an uphill slope,
But I won't loose hope, 'till I go the distance
And my journey is complete, oh yeah.

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part,
For a heros strength is measured by his heart, ohh...

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance,
I will search the world, I will face it's harms,
I don't care how far, I can go the distance,
'Till I find my heros welcome waiting in your arms.

I will search the world, I will face its harms
'Till I find my heros welcome waiting in your arms.

lib on a friday

here in my school's internet station. i decided to check my mail and post something for my blog before i go to the library. yeah... going to the library on a friday seems too bad ... pathetic and awful. well, that's my new MOA for this prelim coz i noticed my weekend is not enough to compensate for all the readings that i should make.

kanina, i had my practical exam on PD. oh boy... hmm... what can i say... did a lot of bloopers there. wala na me magawa than to laugh about it. i hope the proctor didn't get irritated with me especially with the way i conversed with him. i'll share to you one of my 'BINGO' moments. here it goes...

doc: how do you check the palpatory blood pressure
me: (explaining as best as i could)we put the cuff first, then palpate the radial artery. inflate the cuff and release slowly until the first sound is heard
doc: ulitin mo nga ulit doktora
me getting toxic repeated again what i have said without noticing my mistake.
MAN! my groupmate (who acted as my patient) was smiling at me while i look at him, still unknowing what wrong i have said.
doc: do you auscultate the radial artery? how come you have heard the beat?
well that's when i laughed at myself and said 'oo nga pala!!! ang toxic!' nakakahiya pero buti na lang mabait din ung doctor, he let me correct my statement.

----------
got my patho platings result. really did bad on that one.  have to do double time on that subject.

had platings on pharma too. got perfect on that one. :) something to thank for, be happy about and be inspired of.
-----------
my knight and i will be another month older tommorow. so thankful that after all the trials that we've been through, we have managed to keep it this far. :)

to my knight, as i have sad before, my mind may be busy on a lot of things but my heart will do no other but loving you.

rainy days and mondays

got home early today. thanks to gloria. hehe. buti na lang, coz i wasn't able to prepare for the conference.

i feel sad. it seems my chest feels so heavy. can't think of any underlying cause for that... i'm just so thankful that i got home early and had time to rest. i just finished pulling out my 'props' in my room. :) prelim's over. but as i've said, toxicity ain't over yet.

reason for the title.. those are two things i don't like

TOXIC

i have read my last entry and i've seen how poor i have written.... hehe... ganun na pala ko ka- toxic. well, i just finished my 1st prelims but chasing time aint over yet. still got a plating and report tomorrow. jeez, i haven't done anything yet.

chasing time

whew! it's really hard to chase time and it seems my running isn't fast enough.

in a week, i regularly battle 4 unit exams (called platings- it was 'shifting' when i wus in 1st year. don't know why they call it as such). my schedule is patho on mondays, micro on tuesdays and wednesdays(they give four lectures a week so two that gives two units and yeah, two platings), and pharma every friday. and that's every week, with no fail, of my 1st sem life. plus i have quizzes for every subjects. some even give before and after the lecture (and i get pissed off because its 'define the following' and it has to be by the book. in short the only way to pass is to memorize- just what i hate most).

next week, i'll have five unit exams. omni die. that means a whole week without lunch (unit exams are given at 12 noon so as not to affect the time alloted for lectures). MAN!

i saw my plating grade for patho yesterday. got flunked :( but it's really not so low. pero kahit na, it's still an indication that i need to catch up on that subject. it seems i've been giving most of my effort on pharma so i tend to cram on the others. well pharma's really something to give special attention to. it seems that subject was designed for the students to fail it. they don't even discard the lowest plating that a student got in a semester (like microbio and patho).

something that worries me is my attitude during fridays.it's our last subject and it's after our plating on pharma. yesterday, we had a video quiz and i flunked, a usual quiz for the week's topic, which i flunked again, and a drawing quiz, which i pray i didn't flunk.

i wus then answering the second quiz when my mind got blank. it seems it's refusing my orders to think and answer the questions. i didn't even remember what the instruction was for the last part. the paper is almost blank when i passed it. siguro, i'll also study patho lab on weekends. and i hope what happened yesterday won't happen again.

1st prelims is only a week from now and i'm stuck here in front of the computer doing our transparency. our group will give an orientation regarding our pharma experiment on monday. damn, i still have to type our thesis proposals. got to run!

just remember, i miss seeing my knight every friday. something that i don't anymore have the luxury of doing... just hang on there. two more weeks. :)

mr. suave

i just remember one class I had this week. It was surgery and the doctor who lectured looks like Erap. Not exaggerating what so ever, but he really looks like Erap. Pati bigote. what’s really funny about him though is his ringtone. I was in the middle of reading his transparency (had a hard time doing that coz it was handwritten…with his own handwriting. MAN! It was really bad. I’m thankful that they didn’t photocopy those for handouts), when his phone played MR. SUAVE instrumental. The class bursted out laughing. Buti na lang he didn’t do the dance step before answering it. Or else I’ll be running out of the room to tell the guard that some psychotic guy went to our class and pretended to be our lecturer. 

my crying is over

woke up late today. i realized how tired my body was. i think i had too much for this week. had too much mental and emotional stuffs to bear. i'm happy that it ended well... at least now i have gained enough strength to face what lies ahead.

the first time i cried over the heartache

i have been thinking of making a letter for him here in my blog, but now i think it wouldn't be necessary. however, here is an excerpt of the letter i sent him. i hope those who are reading this page can learn something from us.

to those, even in their busy life took time to give me encouragement, thank you so much.

'...I wish that you had also let me be there for you as much as you wanted to be there for me. I wish that you have not made me feel unworthy and unwanted in the situation you’re going through. Maybe you just wanted to save me from all those. but a relationship cannot grow without going through difficulties. And I want you to know that whether you like it or not, when you experience hardships, I experience them too. Not telling me about them does not save me from anything. it just gave me more fear. It was like us going to a battle separately and ended up being losers. Because deep inside of us we have only but half a heart. If only we have joined those halves…'

to the one who first owned my heart, amidst everything, you are still the gem that will forever be kept in my heart.

another sad ending

for more than two years, i fervently wished to call the love my own. for seven months, ten days and eighteen and a half hours, i had it. i thought it will be a never ending love story. but after a thirty minute crucial conversation- and perhaps the last of them all, it ended. now all that's left are destroyed future plans, a broken promise, and perhaps also, a broken person behind a numb heart.

its way past my bedtime but i'm still awake. i'm doing my own version of 'cleaning up my closet.' i started with changing some infos in my friendster's profile and after this, i'll collect all the memorabilia and put them somewhere out of my sight. i'll still keep them though.. just in case a time comes when i want to see them again and remind me of the old times.

now i'm back with being single. not happy about it but not UNhappy about it either.

tomorrow will be another day. i don't know what the future brings but i'm still hoping that there's a brighter life ahead of me.

what you see is never the whole picture

People may hear something that I say, read a thing that I wrote.
but they can never fathom the whole story that I hold.
one can hear my piece for so many times,
but it can never reveal the feelings that are mine.
you can open my chest and take my heart.
Observe it as much as you like,
but you can never see the heartaches that it bears
for a cut made so deep in the soul
is something a man can keep for himself.
the pain can be concealed, can be forgotten
the body can cope up and get adapted
and everything settles in…
when another heartache comes,
the body ceased to feel, to become affected
and the mind worries no more.
but the wounds remain in the soul
and the pain will resurface again in a time that no one knows

-High Priestess
sometimes we think that we already know everything
but the truth is, we don’t.
we can never understand a movie by only seeing a part of it.
A glance can only see a portion
but it can never see the whole picture.

reading my heart out

i finished reading the first chapter of katzung. and i have my classmates (some of them) to thank for- and that's not something to be proud of. the drive is out of disgust for them.

today, i'll be back with my reading. just have to download this mp3 first.

last few days of a bummer

I do not know why I feel so low today. I guess I’m just bored. School starts on Monday. It wouldn’t be long before my life gets busy again. Out of boredom, I tried using this stupid speech toolbar but ended up retyping the words. This computer is going nuts. It’s typing phrases different from what I’m saying.

I'm ending this. I'm tired of talking and repeating myself. This is just so stupid.

a night with Harry

we watched harry potter last night in megamall cinema ten. we arrived on time (7pm) and saw how long the line was. we already have our tickets(courtesy of my papsi. thanks once again!) but still have to get on the line. but the seven of us still got the best seats by (ehem!) using my charms. thanks to tita Olive and papsi who encouraged me to do it. :) sorry na lang sa mga nasingitan ko. hehehe

sorry my mind gets blank. still sleepy perhaps. but last night was really fun.

missing summer means missing those that made it fun and worthwhile. i miss my best buds...

don't wanna look like a damsel in distress

my friend jonathan came here yesterday. I’m just so glad someone was with me. i've been cleaning the whole house when he arrived. And I wasn’t just cleaning it. I fixed broken items and put them in their proper places. now i realized i have obsessive- compulsive tendencies. And heart problems can trigger it.

I told him about the incident. He just shook his head at first and said ‘hindi na sya makakapunta dito.’ That made me stop for a while. I remember papa asking me what will dryn do to (name of my boyfriend) when he knew what’s happening. I told him I don’t want him to know because i fear on the outcome. I’ve been with my boy buds as long as I can remember. They aren’t like girls who just talk about their anger and they’re gone. Man has their way of letting it out. Besides, guys always believe that they are some sort of a knight in shining armor who has the responsibility of protecting their loved ones, most especially the girls. And I’m afraid that things wouldn’t be different for me even though they treat me as ‘one of the boys.’ I still believe on ‘lahat nadadaan sa mabuting usapan.’ And this problem, I want to face by myself. Alone. But if my best wouldn’t be good enough, I will then consider other options.

----------------------------
Papsi and Tina called last night. I don’t know how they did it, but we were able to talk with each other using our mobile. That’s really cool. I was so touched.

-----------------------------
My mom told me the daughter of her manicurist was hospitalized. I was able to see the poor kid. She has large vesicles in her leg and its spreading to her thigh. The infection has spread already. Mom asked my opinion about her condition and what medicine should they give her. I’m so glad that even if I’m still a student, they value my opinion. Especially on my mom who doesn’t like me to become a doctor at first.

answered prayer

it seems my complain on being insensitive was answered. yesterday, i was totally mad and i almost turned my room upside down. i wanted to throw anything that i lay my eyes on.

the reason? three messages that i received yesterday. only three messages and it ruined my day.

text 1: Happy 6 mos.! I really missed u. keep healthy, cute n loving..i love u more now.
- i do not know if he remember when exactly is our monthsary...and when everything all started. our monthsary is today not yesterday. i texted him to point it out but didn't care to admit the mistake (well he might be thinking 'at least i'm early' how nice of him. NOT!) second, today is our 7th monthsary. that's S-E-V-E-N. now i don't know anymore if that message is for me or it really came from him.

text 2: Hahaha!sori..7 mos. na pla! Hmm, it doesnt (matter) enimor. lam mo nmang mhal n mhal kta n im COMMITTED 2 u..:)
-talk about COMMITMENT! how unnerving! this one i can't take anymore so i texted him back with one line 'it does.' i should have let my anger get the best of me and texted him painful words and let out all my complaints. now i thank myself for having self control. really huge self control! how could he say he's commited to me when he doesn't even seem to remember the significant dates of our commitment? worse? this is the FOURTH time it happened. i don't want to comment on 'lam mo namang mahal na mahal kita' coz the anger couldn't just be deciphered. ugh!

text 3: Sori..bobo tlaga ko s numbers e.. i know u fil bad about our situation..il make up 4 it..i promise.
-what a nice reason. i knew he's bad with numbers but i didn't know his memory is failing too. and 'bad' doesn't fit my feelings. i feel worse. and not just to the situation but to him who put me into it and to myself for letting it all happen. no need for promises. i had enough them.

today is our monthsary. no reason to celebrate. my heart is bursting with anger.

Numb

(supposedly posted last night)

On my way home, I was reminiscing my conversation with Papsi about my situation. I just can’t believe that no matter how much details I spilled out, no matter how unfair and cruel those details were, I didn’t feel pain. There were no tears and long pauses that came from me as expected. Not even did I feel tightness in my chest like there’s something in my esophagus but trying my very best not to throw it out making it difficult for me to swallow, to breathe, to think clearly (that is the usual scenario when I’m fighting not to cry about a heartache). It seems like I only related someone else’s story. I do not know if that is a good indication that I can get over him easily.

I even managed to smile. Was that ironic or weird?

What’s more weird is that, I still didn’t feel pain while thinking about the whole conversation. Not even Papsi’s irritation and anger moved me to feel the same either for my man or for this situation. What is happening with my senses? I cannot imagine that something as serious as being in the danger of losing something I hold so dear in my heart will be casual for me to talk about. I am certain I was in love with my man when I entered a relationship with him. I fought for him and considered him as my destiny. So I cannot believe myself now for not feeling anything at all. Not even hatred nor pity for my self. I just can’t give up without finding an explanation to this. Or must I believe that something is wrong with me. Had I just anticipated really well what will happen this past two months? Or am I just fed up with everything?

- - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - -
He texted me a while ago. He told me he’s sick. I ran out of prepaid so I cannot text him back. I do not know why I don’t feel worried about not being able to text back.

i'm missing summer already...... :) 

taken from patapat viaduct. a really cool long bridge 

just want to share some of our pics in our ilocos adventure. this is one of my favorites. taken from a light house on our way to pagudpod

way too soon

i was saving my first blog posting for the first day of my loneliness. not that i am eager for that moment to come. i was only getting my self ready for the heartache. i knew i couldnt go on battling medicine with so much burden in my heart and no one to talk to. i just had to get it all out from me somewhere. and luckily, i found this!

my relationship is deteriorating but it's still alive, gasping for breath i suppose... and my 'luvie' has no idea on its present condition. not that i'm undermining his senses.. i know he feels that something is wrong. he might be fighting it and convincing himself that theyre not true. hmmm... enough about him. i should be talking about my feelings here. well its only one word ---LONELINESS.