im tired

i've been pondering whether to write about this. i am quite hesitant to do it but this is my blog, right? and i should be free to write about anything coz if not, this blog is meaningless (and should be shut down immediately). well, i guess coz now, i just don't care. im tired. for the longest time ive been trying to repair something that seems to be too hard to fix.

whatever i do, things just don't seem to work. it's like im playing the part of an ill doer asking for forgiveness from a stone or as a criminal being avoided but well in fact i know deep in my heart that i don't deserve any of those.

we live only once and i don't want to spend my life chasing after people who do not consider what i consider as important, who could drop you like a hot potato anytime and take you back whenever like there's nothing that has happen. i have feelings too, right?

i just don't deserve it.

im tired.

i think this has finally got it's toll on me.

im stopping now.


maybe it's time for me to accept that there are things i cannot get back as it used to be. i shouldn't dwell on the past. and that i should accept the fact that not all people value relationships built for years.

i'll take away this thing on my chest that's been hurting me. i shouldn't have allowed it to be there in the first place. it's not even worth it.

so i say, ENOUGH. i'm tired. i'm moving on. and i make no apology with the way things has turned out with me.



>>

nothing's ever built to last

eksena sa ROD call room:
cy: one- twenty one guns...
me: tungkol ba saan yang song na yan?
lucky: oo nga
cy: ewan ko. basta kinakanta ko lang





i heart this version




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tic talk ala chika minute

i had buckets of sweat yesterday despite the aircon. it's the first time i drove borgy all by myself yesterday. thanks to my super bait ambulance driver who was so supportive. i drove in a convoy with him driving the ambulance. it was scary but i think i had been more aware of my mistakes.

i wish i can have a picture with borgy and make it my profile pic in fb but my 'official photographer' is a little busy. well i might do that myself over the weekend coz ive been missing doing the clickin. i wont do it to brag about having a car though i confess i am a little but i am just a proud momma! and borgy and me, we're together everyday for almost a week now. he's my constant date to work, hee hee.

parang ang bilis ng oras, ano? it's mid june already! i am dragging myself to read harrison everyday and scare myself that ive got a few months left to prepare. it also excites me that it will only be a few weeks before i ride my first airbus! awww i feel pitied now. i have rode everything but the airbus. im more excited than scared because ill be doing it by myself. haha.

i remember last week, i went out to watch satc2 with kla, one of my hs buddies whom i haven't seen for ages. we were supposed to be a group but ended up with only the two of us because of last minute cancellation from rhodsie and master neil due to health issues and stuff. hope that when the next twilight installment comes, we will be a group watching. oh i just love reunions now. catching up on each other's lives and at the same time reminiscing the old times. i have been skyping with my dear bestfriend zel whom i haven't spoke to in ages also and i was so amazed with how much she has matured! she was our baby back then but now, she's the one giving me advices on love and life in general. i miss her. i miss how i loved huggin her back then. ang lambot nya kase. hehe. (peace!!!) next week ill attend the wedding of mark, a friend i had way back in elementary. it's gonna be a sweet reunion after more than a decade of not seeing each other and a sad despedida coz he and his wifey are migrating to canada. next month, i'll be flying to visit my college dorm buddy who's down south. and i promised to go out with another college friend when she comes home in aug. i would love to fetch her from the airport. how i wish i can drive in the metro by that time harhar.

ok time to go now. hope next time there will be pictures.

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im in love!

you know how it feels when your heart skip the moment you lay eyes on something that's really wonderful? i had that feeling a while ago and i knew i am in love!

honestly, i am not a fan of rubber shoes. i just have a pair of nike tennis shoes just in case i feel the urge to jog and that's all. but when i saw these converse high cut rubber shoes (dont know what they're called) i was mesmerized. i know i must have 'em.

yep, i tried it on. i heart this color!!!

gorgeous, isn't it?

when i looked at the price tag, my heart sank. i don't have enough moolah to take it home (awwwww....snif snif) hay. i was wishing for fairy godmother to appear and buy me that shoe. hayz. well if there's anyone out there, im size 36.5. please be my fairy godmother!




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happiness is this deep

happiness has nothing to do with pleasure.

You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

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got a new baby

yup, that's right. but apparently, all the current speculations from my friends with regards to who or what this baby is, are wrong.

hindi sya tao, hindi sya hayop. pero bagay- na bagay kami.
inuubos nya ang pera ko at napapagod ang mga binti ko pag kasama ko sya (no pun intended).

it doesn't breathe but it has a name. i named it Borgy. why? coz i remember, one of my fellow docs in the first hospital i worked in told me that if i'll get a car, i should name it Borgy and so i did. Yup, i just got a car this week. Borgy's birth date is actually may 31, 2010. he's a handsome toyota corolla gli wide body. i still don't have a picture with him yet. i wanted master neil to do the honors in doing the photo shoot. neil, up to now believes that Borgy is my new boyfriend. LOL.





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LSS

kanina ko pa to pinapaulit ulit. haha. heard it while at work so i looked it up in youtube. hay. i just love listening to it. parang ang sarap sarap ma-inlove hihihi.



dont mind the lyrics though. parang joke kase eh. haha. i wish i can find a piano piece of this. i want to learn how to play this song. pramis!




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and how can i forget you

scooby, the wonder dog in our dorm. he's a snobbish dog who runs after all the non-dormers. he was the only dog i liked coz the first time he saw me, he didn't scare me out. i guess he knew what a future dormer will look and smell like.




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paalam at maraming salamat

yes. the time has come for me to leave the place that provided me comfort and solace. i could recall how sad and hurt i was from all the things that had happened before the last year ended and during the first few months of this year in addition to the dissatisfaction i got from my so called job and catatonic/ sedentary lifestyle. one day came that i finally said to myself "enough." i looked for a job, then the next day the chief of clinics called me up and told me ill be starting after three days. fast and crazy as it may seem but i knew that was 'it'. no turning back.



it was the first week of march and the summer's heat was just setting in. the hospital is an hour ride from the pier to the hospital. as i see the place, i realized what i have been asking was given to me... to be in a far away island and enjoy the rush of the ocean. truly, ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.

my stay there though brief gave me a lot of good memories. i have also met a lot of good people, and gained friends. i am also grateful given the chance to practice my profession there. i have learned a lot from two great consultants who were my mentors in internal medicine (i was resident in charge of the department of internal medicine during my stay there) and all the other consultants. they have always been there for us. i must say, going there is one of the best decisions i have made. it was nice going out of one's comfort zone. challenging one's self and knowing what you are made of is already a reward in itself.

now the time has come to move on. i had to give up my job there because i will be needing time to study for the exams and for the residency training itself. i wont go jobless though. i have already accepted to be a regular physician in a health insurance clinic just near my place (that was my other job in between my duties down south). it doesn't pay much but it's so benign and conducive for studying. that is already fair enough for me.

i will miss my friends though, especially my two roommates.




...and also our dorm we fondly call our little house





i will also miss our pleasure trips we do on our free days.



and the cheap but cute clothes in the town. the place has no department stores and no malls but some of the clothes we've found were treasures!




i wore this today in the clinic and matched it with my celine wedges. i bought the dress for only a hundred and seventy bucks. that's mamburao fashion at its finest. haha.

i will miss you, mamburao!





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ang init sa tuguegarao!

i was late. i thought i was going to be here 3 months ago but for some unexpected and not so good turn of events, i was not able to fulfill my promise until much later.

mom, who also promised to visit Our Lady in Piat, was reluctant to go but after what had happened to me when i returned from mindoro (i had an encounter with mandurukot/hold-uppers. they were about 4-5 men), i took it as a sign that we should go and do it also as a sign of gratitude for keeping me safe and unharmed. i was very lucky indeed because my whole salary was with me at that time and my lumix too.

so mom, brother and me went there on a saturday to catch the sunday mass. mom wanted that we leave in the morning so we can enjoy the view. it's my first time to go to that side of the north and all i can say is, anlayo nya huh. i can reach ilocos norte in 10 hours but it took us 12 hours to reach cagayan valley even on a deluxe bus. but the view was also great. it's really a thrill going up north.

the view from nueva vizcaya

welcome to isabela province

all these i took while the bus was moving. lucky me i was able to take these shots. thanks to lumix too.

it's a wonderful feeling having knelt before Our Lady. the time i spent with her in the basilica was brief but worthwhile. i would have loved to stay a little longer but the weather was just too hot for me to endure. our little boy, mat, was not able to take it too. he got sick and so we left right after the mass. but it's ok. i know it wont be the last time i will visit her. i just hope when i come back it will be at the time of the cold season so i can go around and visit the callao caves as well.




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HP currently reads

my new found friend on the other part of the globe recommended that i read one of his favorite books entitled The Master and Margherita. i immediately searched for it in the net and learned that the english translation used my name. i got so intrigued thus i promised myself and my new found friend to look for the book the following day which i did. as i read the first page of the book, i was amused to learn that Bulgakov was a doctor. i hope ill be able to turn more leaves before my new found friend goes online and checked on my reading. LOL.




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bongga!

wow sa june 3 na. im so excited.




>>

so...

when i get back to manila i'll have another aquino and binay in higher office. it just saddens me how pinoys choose their leaders. the result of the count showed that most choose emotion and popularity (revilla and estrada topping the senatorial race, hello!!! estrada 2nd in the presidential race, ano yan di na natuto) over credibility and track record and so the result, we allowed good things slip through our hands.

im not for gibo but if i have a second choice for president, i'll choose him. i am just moved by one supporter who wrote:

WE MISSED THE FLIGHT
but he gave us hope

the country needs strong leaders if we wanted to uplift our status from being third world. someone who believes in the potential of filipinos and who can mobilize society. i prayed hard for Gordon to win. and if not him, gibo will do.

though both of my favorites didn't make it, i like the way they accepted their defeat. they have shown how noble and fine they are and that's what real men do.

now i pray that the new leaders will serve our country well.





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to my dear old friend

What about now?

What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?

i can't find words to say goodbye coz there's this thought lingering on my mind. i know you won't read this but i still want to post it here anyway... salamat, this song was made coz i can't find the words...




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the old dream still lives on

last night, i was chatting with a new found friend. we were talking about the status he posted in FB.

B: i wanted to live in the province, magkaroon ng isang farm. dun nalang ako kesa dito sa manila. congested. gusto ko lang naman simpleng buhay.
Me: if you want a simple life, you have to have a lot of money. ironic but true... or else wala na mangyayari sa buhay mo kundi kakaisip kung san mo kukunin ang pera pambayad ng kung ano- ano sa buhay, like kuryente, tubig...
B: tama ka... ikaw gano ka simpleng buhay ang gusto mo?
Me: i want to become a plain housewife

that came out spontaneously. i was surprised as he was. i didnt know my old dream (as in nung nagdadalaga pa ko nito) is still there. pero as i have said, to want a simple life means you need to have money in your pocket. hindi totoong hindi kelangan ng pera pag gusto ng simpleng buhay. that's something i learned as i get older. and so, i realized, if i wanted to become a housewife, i should marry a good provider. naku mahirap ata yun. asked if i'll stop practicing, i said i wont. i still want to work because i want to help people. pero sana yung hindi na yung kumita ng pera para mabuhay yung pamilya ko. i wish my will be husband can provide for our family's needs and whatever i earn will be for my family's luxury. hay, sarap mangarap. wish ko lang someday (soon?) magkatotoo.




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pictures galore

these were my favorites from the photos i took on the events i have attended the past weeks.

she's my new inaanak, the granddaughter of our driver who's like a part of our family. i was a sponsor/photographer of her christening. most of my shots we're ummm... haha. well i was not yet accustomed (and still!) with the buttons of my new toy. im glad there's photoshop hehe.

seated in front were our 'teachers' in the seminar. 'father,' as joy, ed and i fondly called him, gave the 'thank you speech' in our graduation day. yes, may graduation kami at with matching tugtog pa yun ng graduation march huh. father is a co- alumni of mine (and joy too) who chose to work in his province as a health officer.

these twins are probably my apo sa pinsan. cute ng get up nila. para silang mirror image haha!





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home at last

ever since i got home, i have never get to spend the whole day at home. i did clinics monday to friday and been busy with my clan's reunion which happened yesterday. i also get to attend a seminar for three days. no, i am not complaining. in fact, i feel so blessed. aside from my work down south, i got another one near home.i would really wanted to spend my time at home reading while i am here but i realized it's a blessing in disguise having that day job in the clinic coz i am able to read more than i will ever get to do at home coz temptations at home are everywhere and simply hard to resist. LOL

i love attending seminars and conferences. maybe that's how my nostalgia for school manifests. i get to know a lot of great people and most especially i get more inspired being a physician. plus, the luxury of being in a hotel and getting to visit the metro in a way more than the ordinary is something too. LOL. this time, the community i serve down south picked me to attend the seminar in bayview hotel along roxas blvd. i stayed there for one night instead of three coz i didn't know all the attendees get to have accommodation for free. well there's nothing about the hotel to rave about. their interiors is not at par with the others along that street and food was so- so. but since it's free, i was glad to stay there and escape a grueling two hours in traffic and heat from commuting. heehee. im happy that the department of health put money on making their delegates at least comfortable and even went as far as bringing about ten handsome electronic microscopes with them for visuals. and that, they all did without any help from med reps. good job, DOH!


its also nice to know that a lot of physicians are practicing in the province and serving in government hospitals. they are also more approachable and kalog unlike the stereotype clinicians and government workers i have known haha. i guess it goes to show how satisfied and happy they are with their jobs. sabi nga sa sm supermarket, "happy to serve!" with matching clap pa yun hehe. i wish more doctors will be like them. on the side, i haven't been in robinson's place for a long while and i was amazed how huge the mall is now. we ate dinner there and i got tired walking along its long and endless hallways. geez, i wished i had a lot of moolahs with me to buy some pretty stuffs i have seen in some of the windows.

the last few days were the busiest. parang gusto kong hatiin ang katawan ko sa pag attend ng seminar at pag asikaso ng reunion. kami kase ang host this year. hindi biro mag organize ng isang reunion para sa isang malaking angkan, huh. pero masaya naman dahil maayos namin nairaos ang reunion. naging photographer din ako for a day. sa tingin ko din, nag enjoy silang lahat dahil hindi sila umalis agad at tinapos nila ang program. it's a very successful party indeed! congratulations to us, hehe.

today, it's a sunday and i am so glad to spend the whole day at home... at last! manonood sana ako ng movie kaso naisip ko, bukas na lang. holiday naman bukas e. sa ngayon, happy ako na manood lang ng tv, mag ayos ng mga anik- anik sa kwarto ko, mag internet ng one to sawa at syempre makipaglaro sa aking pamangkin. hay, sarap!




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buhay MO III

the last ten days were one of the memorable experiences i had as a general practitioner. on most days, our emergency room were swarmed by patients from all over the island. on a non- duty day, i usually go home at 5pm but there were times you just have to stick around the hospital and help. ours is not the only hospital in the island. but people from even the farthest local which is a six hours drive away opt to be transferred to our care. they say, we have the most competent doctors. i cannot take the credit because i am only new there. that goes to all the doctors before me and those who have stayed there for years who have dedicated their time and expertise and me, being one of the newest addition to the group, have to uphold to the people's expectation. giving the optimum care is really a challenge when resources are limited to work up our patients(paging local government officials!!!).

i don't know if it was in the news about a child who picked up a grenade and brought it to his playmates. the grenade exploded and killed two children in an instant. five children were seriously injured. the parents decided to transfer them in our hospital even if it's six hours away because they believed that we can save their lives. and that, no matter how difficult, we cannot run from them or tell them we can only do so little. two of them died while they were admitted. one of them, i have attended myself when she went to cardio-respiratory arrest. i did the CPR but i wasn't not able to save her. the extent of her injury was just too much for her frail body. the explosion perforated a lot of her bowels. she went to arrest after her operation. the kid is just 11 years old. the third child her parents have lost because of the devastating incident. when i went out of the room, i didn't have the guts to tell her mother about the news. i looked into her eyes and then she knew. no words... at that point, it's like everything went to slow-mo and then time stopped. i saw her world fell apart.

the day after, someone woke me up at 3am to assist in an emergency operation. the next thing i knew, i was holding bowels in my hands. the guy we are operating on achieved multiple gunshot wounds in the abdomen. how and why it happened was a puzzle coz we are currently under a gun ban because of the forthcoming elections. he did survive.

the last was the patient i transferred to luzon island via the RO-RO ship. he was commatosed, intubated, with no one but me. the three hours of travel we endured were the longest hours of my life. his relatives who were with us prayed that he'll make it. i prayed harder. i tell the patient from time to time to hold on. the feel of his pulse is the only thing that gave me peace in that entire trip. went home at 2am so tired but happy and relieved that i went home alone. coz if my patient died on the trip, he's gonna go home with me and that didn't happen. God is so good.

losing a patient is something a doctor cannot escape from. we may be the best, we can exhaust all the resources available, but sometimes losing a life is inevitable. losing a patient is that constant reminder to us that we, healers, are not gods. life is a grace that we must be thankful for everyday. trying to save someone is like buying time. a lot of times its begging, bargaining for another moment to live... on the opposite end, saving someone's life gives the best feeling in the world.




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you're everything

from duty today. currently doing paper works in our quarters when i realized its too quiet in here coz no one is around except me. decided to play some music. happy to come across this. i truly love buble.





my duty yesterday was really toxic. i wonder how much more toxic life as a resident is. just glad yesterday's over. ang sarap maging from duty. para kang nabigyan ng medal.



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yes, he was definitely hot

he was tall, makinis ang kutis, and handsome. but definitely not bading (this is confeermed by the gaydar meter of my red cross team. read: very accurate!). i saw him and my eyes were glued. gosh. antagal ko na hindi nagka- crush ah. ngayon lang ulit...

we were together in one tent for a day. he did cars while i do my check ups. he's superbly cute.


sorry for the picture. its the best one i got.




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oh i forgot

my friend, jonathan, went home last week to attend the 60th birthday party of his dad. his coming home is actually his gift. everybody was surprised to see him. well, except us because we knew his little secret.

HP: totoo ba ang chismis that soon, you will be staying here for good?
jonas: oo. pero pupunta muna ako ng rome bago ako umuwi.

susyal.



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busy holy week

this holy week is the busiest.

holy thursday, i was with these people


for this


our station was located right beside this


and since we were in pampanga, we get to see this from time to time


i left at 6pm to go to pangasinan with my bro and co. to attend the wake of his gf's lola. we left there almost midnight and received a shocking news. my nephew died the day before. cause of death: strangulation secondary to severe depression. please, sana wala ng sumunod.

good friday, we did the traditional 'libing' in our parish. i helped in dressing our image of maria cleofe, the bearer of holy water and incense used in the burial of our Lord.

today, black saturday, is the burial of my nephew. it was held in loyola memorial this morning





tomorrow, we'll do the 'salubong' in the early morn. i wish i'll have time to write the side stories before i leave again.




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HP currently reads

when i was in the island down south of luzon, i was quite intrigued when i saw my new friend reading the latest novel of Paulo Coelho, The Winner Stands Alone that when i got back here, i decided to drop by Powerbooks to buy myself one. the kind saleslady had such an enthusiasm to give me a preview of each book the same author wrote. it's not hard to tell she's a fan. upon her suggestion, i bought this book, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. i was amused by the way he wrote it. the approach was quite poetic which i believe was appropriate for the subject of the novel which is love. there are a lot of lines that caught me and were my favorites that i would love to share here when i finished reading the book. i think i'm going to get hooked up with coelho. hehe.

i also wanted to mark this date because it's the birth of my new baby. im excited to know every button and every feature he has. he will be the extension of my eyes and my hands. im also excited to take him to places. the adventure will surely be more enjoyable with him around. thanks, lx3, for coming into my life even if you made me broke (arrrrgggghhhh). now i can sing the line 'im broke but im happy...' with justice. hehe.

earlier, the intensity 4ish quake shook the metro. i was in UCC then looking at the menu when it happened. i thought it was just my altered level of consciousness due to lack of sleep (blame that to gray's anatomy series) but after seeing the worried face of the girl on the next table and the commotion of the waiters, i realized what was happening. thank God the quake was not that strong and thank God i wasn't down south because i learned from the news the intensity there was 6.2. i guess i have to sleep now. can't anymore bear to keep my eyes open.



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here again

yep, im still alive and kickin' and i haven't abandoned blogging into oblivion. happiness it is to be able to travel alone even if it's just an island away. i guess it's the thrill of going to a place for the first time without knowing even a single soul there. being vulnerable can be good sometimes. i was able to make friends with a lot of people and have seen a lot of places. my trip down south was also one of the most memorable because i have done a lot of firsts. they were quite simple though like riding in a motor bike for the first time but were definitely fun indeed.

the work was quite a challenge. landing on a medical officer 3 job after the 4 months of sedentary and catatonic life was hard at first. i had to refresh my knowledge and skills to the hospital work. to tell you honestly, i had mixed emotions during my first few days. there was excitement, feeling of inadequacy, fear, and loads of stress. i thought i won't be able to finish the ten days but as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and i did feel stronger after wards. and i guess, i was able to appreciate my profession more. it's the feeling of being needed and making a person well that were the most rewarding and no amount of money can replace.

life there was simple yet i was able to enjoy my stay there. there were no malls and not even the famous jollibee was in sight. the people were warm and very accommodating. i remember, my fellow physician and i were invited to a birthday party where we had disco with senior citizens. i got quite drunk because i was not able to resist when they handed me a half glass of fundador brandy and a tall glass of mixed drink made of iced tea and grand matador. we danced our heart out with their favorite ballroom songs and some new ones. they were all 'game' not minding the signs of aging though i guess we all woke up with painful joints and back. i was also able to taste the creamiest home made ice cream my taste buds have known that even a haagen dazs can't beat. i wish i can bring home some as a pasalubong for mom and dad. they will surely love it as much as i did.

next month, i have to be back there again, and i will surely take pictures to show you all the beauty of the place.




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before i leave

... i would like to share my new shoe purchase and some of the pictures i took last week.




got this from megamall's shoes and bags super sale last month. this wedges from keds is super comfortable. i bought it for less than a thousand bucks. i also bought a crocs for less than a thousand bucks.



medical mission in malolos. we went to a small community in the midst of barren land and rice fields. we almost got lost going there.


after the med mission, i decided to visit one of my favorite places in q.c., the C&E bookstore. their lavatory looks lovely.

my last picture before i became jobless. no doubt that the anthuriums were real.


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cool change

i didn't realize how hot the weather has become until i finally left the house and visited my old neighborhood in the city. malamig pa rin naman dito sa min. nakakatulog pa din ako na hindi kailangan kahit electric fan. pero sa city, hay naku ang init! and this rotating brownout really sucks big time. kamusta naman talaga. dati pag walang koryente at mainit, yung mga tao pumupunta sa mall para magpalamig pero ngayon kahit sa mall mainit na rin. considering na nasa isa sa mga ayala malls ako kanina huh. hindi kinaya ng generator nila ang mga pangyayari. ayun, 9pm pa lang nagsasara na lahat ng boutiques at kainan. eh usually may bukas pa till 10pm di ba? feel ko pa naman sana manood kanina ng sine pero wag nalang. baka pati sa sinehan mawalan ng power eh hindi ko makakayanan andun sa loob ng ganun kadilim. iaasa ko nalang yan sa dibidi. parang naging isang greenhouse nalang ang trinoma kanina at factory ng carbon dioxide. hirap huminga. para kang mauubusan ng hangin sa loob katulad ng naranasan ng namatay na mga isda sa dalampasigan ng laguna de bay.

ibang klase talaga ang taon na to. di pa tapos ang first quarter pero andami na nangyari. para akong may scolio na pilit itinutuwid and likod. ouch! on the first day of this month came the realization of how much i miss doing the consultation thing; seeing patients again, listening to their problems, and making them well. thanks to ate madel who dragged me to a medical mission somewhere in malolos. it was more like an omen though coz i lost my so called job when i got home.

kamustasa talaga. im the girl who almost lost everything. I --- lost friends, lost job, lost my only source of income for four months. hay buhay. pero kahit pa, i never questioned God. i didn't ask if this was His way of showing His love for me. i have faith that everything has it's purpose and are always for the better. it wasn't a question of love. it's a matter of faith. i remember when i had to leave my job(s) because of my condition, i thought i would go back to my old parasite self asking mom for my needs and wants but then i was able to find another job that suits my restrictions. when my life was in the trough, He didn't leave me empty handed. so Now, maybe, this is His way of telling me that those days were over. now i must go and claim my life back.

lo and behold, after three days, meron na kong nahanap na bagong raket. eto lang ang masarap sa pagmomoonlight. pag ayaw mo na, e di iwan mo. madaling umayaw, at madali ding humanap ng iba. para ka lang nagpapalit ng panty. hehe. but, at isang malaking BUT yun, quality ones are so hard to find. sana lang enjoy tong nahanap ko kase mejo matagal din akong mawawala.

so a few days from now, ill be leaving this hot and humid place with it's rotating brownouts. ill be in that small island somewhere in the south, alone, to do what i missed doing and enjoy the rush of the ocean.



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current status removed

sh@t! i thought i would not be able to remove that post. whew. i think i better stop doing fb. you know when you have all these emotions going on and your hands landed on a keyboard you find yourself exposing to the whole world how you feel and yes, afterward regretting that you did it big time. im no krissy A. and i have learned to keep things low key. but hey, i still need this blog to vent a little sometimes. well at least this is not like fb where everyone knows whose wall this belongs. i wish life also have that remove button. you don't want your current status? that's easy. click remove and then type another one.

when things get awry, it calls for a bonding time with friends. hang out with them and talk nonstop until you get it all out of your system then come home relieved. well that is exactly the problem now. when i was working my ass in the hospital as a junior and senior intern, i was craving for time to spend with friends and maybe a special someone. now that i have all these time, i can't even find someone to spend it with. where were they? true friends are hard to find and hard to keep. i lost one last year and two this year. those were the closest ones.

a couple of nights ago, i talked to a friend who is living miles away. we fondly call each other buddies. maybe, she sensed how i was feeling that's why she called me. the conversation was nice and long and personal. i miss it. i miss that kind of conversation that you know someone is truly listening to you, empathizing to whatever issue you have. in the end, she told me something that is maybe a little bit painful to accept but that's what true friends are. Friends are those who are not afraid to tell you bitter things not to crush your spirit but to help you to become a better person. deep inside, you know that those bitter things were always the truth.

her words were:

"ikaw kase bud, kahit dati pa, ang hilig-hilig mong pumasok sa mga komplikadong bagay..."

- to which i strongly disagreed and told her all i wanted was the opposite. but looking back, bud was right. what all those persons have in common was me. whatever role i played in their lives was something that i allowed or chose to be. i wanted something else but i did otherwise. i can't blame that to some twist of fate.

she also added,

"...go out there. meet strangers. do whatever you want to do. don't let it hold you back."

i was afraid. now i know i shouldn't be. maybe it will take a lot of getting used to. but i won't hold myself back. not now. not this time.



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star strucked

had I known we had reserved seats, i could have spent more time outside taking pictures until my battery dies out. but it's ok. he's the only reason why i attended that exhausting premiere night. i just wanted to see him in person.




gwapo nya. oh em ghee.

i hate it that they didn't allow cameras inside the cinema. peeps from OMB were there. haler, as if naman may magtatangkang mag film nung movie in a premiere night di ba? talk about pakitang tao.. or pakitang camera? LOL so i took these photos using the camera phone of my sister. and since it's dark in there, the photos were not that good.

this was taken outside using my sister's ever reliable digicam.

we weren't just given free tickets but 'highly' reserved seats as well. there were marshalls who guarded and made sure no one touches our precious seats. LOL. thanks once again ms. cecile. you are truly a royalty. i felt so blessed to be seated there.

i got a snap shot of ms. cecile's shoes while she was on the red carpet talking to her fans. i got so hiya so i didn't approach her. but then it seems our paths always crossed. i saw her again in starbuko after the premiere night together with Ms. Pia M. (the wifey of Francis M.) and her friends.

JLC is one of the few young actors i have seen who doesn't need a dialogue nor to cry in order to deliver and to give justice to his role. that's why i love JLC. and he's so gwapo too. when he looks at you, para kang matutunaw. *kilig*



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screaming my heart out

my birthday gift made it in time. i am going to see JLC tomorrow face to face.

i love JLC!

thank you, chuvaness!




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confirmed

we were hoping the news wasn't true but all those i have texted confirmed it. she died yesterday. cause of death: strangulation. for whatever reason, i don't know. i don't think anybody knows.

have you ever thought of taking your own life? the only time i remember i wished im dead was when i was cleaning the intestines of my dead rotting cat pudai, a specimen i had when i was still a bio student. i wanted to throw her away because i can't stop the decomposition from happening anymore. maggots were everywhere. gross. but i can't. i'm going to fail my anatomy class if i did so i just wished some mad man just come running out of nowhere and shot me in the head and it will all be over. babaw no? effect ata ng formalin yun. hehe.

seriously, i wish i knew her more. i wish at least she got a chance to talk to someone and felt loved, secured, and learn there's someone she can trust. for weeks now, i have been wishing to have a girl friend (oi not in a romantic way ha). someone i can chat all day about anything without having to think about solutions. someone who can bum around with me, perhaps we can go to some isolated beach and bask in the sun in our skimpy bikinis (yes, i have the guts). i only have a few girl friends and all of them are taken already. they have more responsibilities now and a regular date they can't just ignore. though i know my boys will always be there for me but it's still different to be with the girls. i can be kikay and all; wear make up, a fancy dress, and high heels without worrying that i will get teased and laughed at (my boys can be so unforgiving). but i still love my boys despite the fact that when im with them, i have to blend. nagmumukha na tuloy akong tomboy minsan.

i have added to my birthday wish list to have an unattached, carefree, girl friend who can stand my trippings in life (haha). it's just kind of sad that someone i have come across with committed suicide. we went to the same med school and same internship program. im just thinking, maybe i could be her friend. i could have been the one to be there for her, share my bedroom perhaps if she doesn't want to spend the night alone. and maybe, she wouldn't have thought of killing herself. hay. kalungkot.

if there's someone out there who meets the criteria above, or at least anyone who needs somebody, im just here. im alone too. we can hang out together and be happy.




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i hate you, barang!

i just saw the title in one of the sites i have visited a couple of days ago. i can't remember for what it was. i thought it was a song so i first looked it up in you tube. but i was just surprised to find out it's a barbra movie- directed, produced and starred by no other than herself. but because i was already intrigued, i downloaded it. now i feel sorry having watched it. it feels like i just buried myself much deeper. i was grinning on the first part of the movie and then i found myself crying even before it reached half. damn this movie. i hate the scriptwriter too. barbra's lines were good especially the dialogue she delivered when she was teaching in class and when she broke up with her husband.

i hate crying before going to bed. i hate you barang! i hate you!!!

"i believe in love and lust and sex and romance. i don't want everything to add up to some prefect equation. i want mess and chaos. i want someone to go crazy out of his mind for me. i want to feel passion and heat and sweat and madness. i want valentines and cupid and all the rest of that crap. i want it all."

- barbra

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buzzing news

i was shocked when a friend texted me a while ago asking if i knew that someone died and if she committed suicide. someone heard it in the radio daw. i am really shocked. i don't recall the name that she gave me but according to her, she's a batch lower than mine and that she went to the same internship program that i did. she just passed the boards last aug. i am so puzzled. what happened to her? i hope it's not true.




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today, i came across this:

To love is to be vulnerable. Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.


ayaw talaga akong tantanan... haaayyyzzz





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heaven and chocolate

does your chocolate cake have four kinds of chocolate?



ate and i thought it's too sweet but it is not. good deal for it's price. i heart the brownie layer.
sorry, the picture aint good coz i just took it with my laptop. laazzyy pwincess heehee.

chocolate heaven from red ribbon is a combination of four kinds of chocolate goodness in every mouthful - chocolate brownie, mousse, ganache and curls.

my two year old nephew loves the curls.


ash Wednesday is tomorrow. don't forget to go to mass and have your forehead ashed.




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eeeww

getting through this day is hard. good thing there's only few hours left and it's over. my gawd. this is so not true. what is happening? yaiks.

hayayay i wish i have you (whoever you are) now when i have all these time to spend with you. but as my good friend said, all things come to those who wait and have faith.

i saw JLC and bea's new movie on tv. i really wanna watch.mom told me she wanna come. so it's gonna be a mom-daughter date. well THAT definitely is not an 'ew'.


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when you find it don't let go...

happy valentines, everyone. i wish you all more love throughout the year.





i wish i have a voice like hers. so powerful and timeless.





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mga mensahe

something i got from peysbuk app today:
when you are feeling anxious, remember to breathe. Allow yourself to breathe in and out slowly. Allow your breath to bring you to a place of calmness. Allow yourself to be calm like the eye in the center of the storm.

Take time to just be, to breath slowly, to feel your body that is the temple of your soul. No activities, no worries, no buzzing.


to all the girls out there:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. -yeah, they should do that for themselves

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? -init lang ng katawan hanap nyan noh. badtrip lang hindi pa mag- ingat. nag- iiwan pa ng 'remembrance' hahahaha.

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up. -and get into trouble when you are branded as a nagger. duh! hindi naman dahil hindi maganda ang sinabi nagna- nag na.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. -told yah

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. -two thumbs up

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage.
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. -deal daw at wag kalimutan na lang

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. -two whole become one

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. -or your mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.




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did you know...

Dr. Romulo Virola, secretary-general of the National Statistical Coordination Board (NSCB), said that in the year 2000, less than half of the country's population (45.7%) were married. Back in the 80s, he said 50.6% of Filipinos have exchanged "I do's."

In 2008, only 50.7% of women aged 15 to 49 were married, down from 54.4% in 1993.

"Has love become more expensive, or is it because Pinoy men of earlier generations had stronger appeal than this Piolo Pascual or Gerald Anderson?" Virola said in his column at the NSCB website.

"Whatever, for those who are looking to tie yourselves with a knot, you know your prospects have gone higher, provided of course, that you are willing to marry anyone who is unmarried," he added.

Separation, live-in relationships

On the other hand, the number of Filipinos who have ended their marriage has increased.

In the year 2000, one out of every 100 Filipinos was separated from his or her partner.

In 2008, about 3 out of every 100 Filipino women aged 15 to 49 were separated from their partners, higher than 2 per hundred in 1993.

"Does this point to the gradual disintegration of the Pinoy family as an institution? To think that family life is the most important source of happiness for many Pinoys. How sad," Virola lamented.

Aside from separations, Virola also noted a rise in common-law relationships through the years.

In 2008, 11 out of 100 Filipino women aged 15 to 49 years old were living in with their partners from only 5 out of 100 back in 1993.

"Sign of the times? But don't you think the old-fashioned pamamanhikan or kasalan sounds romantic?" Virola said.

First marriage, birth

From 1993 to 2008, more Filipino women have decided to marry later as their median age at first marriage has gone up by a year.

Virola said most urban women got married at age 23 (from 22), while majority of those situated in the rural areas tied the knot at 21 years old (from 20).

Likewise, the median age at first birth has gone slightly up. Most urban women gave birth at 24 years old in 2008 (from 23), while rural women had their first child at 22 years old (from 21).

"But this is still very young by Commission of Population standards, I am sure. On the average, women in the rural areas marry at least one year earlier than women in urban areas," he said.

-LOVE BY NUMBERS, fast facts about Filipino relationships. whole article here.

afraid...

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wish ko lang

hay. i wish to be loved like this. haha. ambisyosa.










but maybe it has more impact if he's gonna do more than that, di ba? i mean, if you love someone, mag-iintay ka nalang ba? life is short. time is wasted. haha. ambisyosa talaga.
naku wala akong pinapatamaan. shucks. i just happen to like this song.




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bagong taon part 2 sa araw ng pag- ibig

few more days before the chinese new year. i still have time to reread my resolutions and add some other things that i wanted to accomplish for this year. woohoo. buti nalang may chinese new year. meron pa akong chance for adjustments. hehe. call it madaya. i don't care. i feel lucky having another new year celebration in february especially when my january didn't turn out so well. i literally felt a dagger in my chest while attending mass on january 1st, much like to an angina pectoris. don't worry. it's not health related and it's already a case solved.

is it also perfect timing that the new year will be celebrated on heart's day? hmmm that reminds me, this is the third year i am going to celebrate heart's day in my fabulous single blessedness state. well, i really don't mind coz the first year after my ex and i split up, i spent valentines with my boys. they gave me a surprise dinner date with them and got a bouquet of roses pa. hay. im really lucky to have friends like them. on the second year i spent the whole day studying for the boards but still was lucky to receive a rose from one of my guy pals. this year, i am not expecting anything. spending it this time with my family is enough for me. hindi naman exclusive for lovers ang balentayms.

love. pano na nga ba ang umibig? oi ang gandang title in fernez. i believe we all have a lesson or two learned about love. we also had our share of heartaches and joy in loving. at this age, lahat naman siguro tayo naranasan ng madapa at natuto na ding bumangon. naalala ko noong naghiwalay kami ng ex ko, nag-wish ako na sana yung susunod ko namang love story yung parang feel good movie naman. awat na ang heavy drama. sana yung mas maraming kilig moments at syempre, sana this time, yung may happy ending na. sa kabila ng lahat ng hindi magandang nangyari, naniniwala pa rin ako sa 'and they live happily ever after'. naniniwala pa din ako na meron talagang 'wagas na pag-ibig.'

minsan, naisipan kong balikan yung mga paborito kong feel good movies katulad nung mga movies ni JLC at sarah, JLC and bea. tapos, binalikan ko din yung mga heavy drama nina sharon-gabi at aga-lea. napansin ko lang, hindi naman nagkakalayo ang mga conflict sa istorya nila. hindi naman masyadong mababaw yung problema sa feel good movie at hindi rin naman kalaliman yung problema sa mga heavy drama. mas matitindi lang talaga ang mga dialogues sa heavy drama at syempre, sa feel good movie, nakasisigurado ka na may happy ending. naisip ko tuloy, siguro ganun lang din sa totoong buhay. pwede nating gawing heavy drama or feel good movie ang takbo ng istorya. pwede nating palakihin o paliitin ang isang isyu. sana pwede rin pumili ng happy ending.

at this age, ano na ba ang natutunan ko about relationship? sa tingin ko hindi naman masyadong marami kung ikukumpara sa mga kaibigan ko. isa pa, i always felt that i was outgrown by my friends. isa ako sa mga kakaunting natitira na single pa rin hanggang ngayon. pero ganun naman talaga pag nasa ganito kang propesyon. parang kang late bloomer. hindi ko pa naranasan na iisang tao lang ang nakikita ko bago ako matulog at pag- gising ko sa umaga. hindi ko din alam kung ano ang pakiramdam maghintay sa gabi na umuwi yung taong mahal mo. hanggang ngayon, naririnig ko lang sila. lahat ng alam ko, base lang sa kwento ng ibang tao tungkol sa mga problema nila sa relasyon at pagpapamilya.

noong bata pa ako, akala ko pag nakita mo na yung taong mamahalin mo at minahal ka din nya, yun na yung end ng story. tapos nung nakipagrelasyon na ako, na-realize ko na hindi pala ganun. para palang makina ang isang relasyon. laging kelangan langisan at i- tune up para tumagal. na- realize ko din na hindi lang pala basta masaya ako, okey na. hindi lang pala tungkol sa kin ang isang relasyon. kelangan din pala ng sakripisyo para sa minamahal mo. a relationship is a compromise and always a work in progress. and just like other things in life, you can't ask for fruits you didn't sow.

sa love, meron akong konting important lessons na natutunan. one is never say never. nakaranas ka na ba ng sitwasyon na parang paulit ulit na nangyayari sa buhay mo? yun parang pakiramdam mo, ayaw kang tantanan? ako may isa. nung una parang nakakainis isipin. sarap mag reklamo ng bakit palagi nalang ako. umiwas nung pangalawang beses, thinking, natuto na kase ako kaya 'never again!'. but then i realized, hindi naman pagkatuto ang pag- iwas. and not because i allowed it to happen again means that i didn't learn. baka naman kaya nauulit para mabigyan ako ng chance na baguhin ko naman yung takbo ng istorya. yung gawin ko naman yung hindi ko nagawa noon para maimprove yung outcome.

siguro more than hoping to be found, we must learn to keep our hearts open to the possibility. we all wish for forever but we don't even want to take that step of putting our hearts on the line. i don't know if it is better to live a life alone, assured that nobody can hurt you than to take the risk of loving and feel being loved in return. i didn't wish to be alone my entire life. i still have that faith that i won't be left empty handed. again and again, i will put my heart on the line. yes, it might hurt but at least i have that chance to love and be loved and belong to a relationship that may last for a lifetime.




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my call

this you may not understand. i won't elaborate much further. everything will be revealed in time. i just want to show you what faith does and that someone up there is listening to our prayers.

it's pink vs white. weeks ago i asked for it and decided to forget about it after i have seen both in tagaytay.

at first i thought i also saw white but when i looked closer they're either light green flower balls (don't know what they're called) or the softest pink rose i have ever seen.

coincidence?

maybe. but my faith overwhelms to regard it as one.

see more of the pictures i took which includes a lot of images of mary

in a marian exhibit in bulacan. click here.

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frustrations of a photographist (anoh daw???)

hi there. it's been a while since my last maayos post (seriously maayos to kahit ganyan ang title haha). i have been busy with post processing and posting pictures from our calatagan adventure last weekend. i was so happy that my first ever photo in panoramic view got a good review and won me a free accommodation on my next visit to calatagan. (heehee so happy. thanks sir willie!!!). i was also happy that some of my shots fared well with those from my other companions who were dslr users. but i still have a few frustrations not owning a better camera. let me show you why...

exhibit 1:


this is another panoramic view taken at the lighthouse. i could have took more sky if i were using a wide angle lens here.

exhibit 2:

again, the beautiful sky is lacking in this picture.

exhibit 3:


can you see the little green ones that look like miniature pine trees behind the coral? they look nice, no? my camera cant capture those without the blur.


exhibit 4:



honestly, i like the way the sunset was captured here. in some of the pictures i saw, they were focused more on the sun's spherical figure. im more interested on its rays. but i still do believe that i could have captured more if i can adjust the shutter speed and aperture of my gadget. what do you think?


so is it time to have one like this?

nah, don't think so. besides, i still believe im not yet into that level plus i love candid shots. i can't do that with a huge camera. maybe a micro four thirds or an lx3 will do for me now. later nalang siguro ang dslr when im older or maybe when i feel the need for it (and have the mooolah to buy hehe).

(photo by Neil)

that's my sister's P&S that i borrowed for the trip. hindi ako nahiyang ilabas yan kahit lahat sila naka dslr haha. well sabi nga sa peyspuk, hindi lahat ng naka- dslr ay photographer at katulad din ng laging sinasabi ng aking friendship na artist, wala yan sa camera. =) PEACE.

see more of the photos i took in my flickr and feel free to give comments and suggestions so i can improve on my shots next time.




My answer part 2:

wag nyo nalang pansinin ang 1st part ng post ko. maganda lang kase ang kanta. honestly, hinahanap na din ng katawan ko ang pagod, puyat, at sakit ng ulo at katawan ng buhay ospital not to mention dealing with the biatches, the kiss-ass, and the gods (note: hindi ako masokista). i just feel that it's high time to get out of my comfort zone, test my limits and prove again what i am made of. at isa pa, gusto ko na din umalis dito sa bahay. it's not because i don't like being with my family. it's just that i want to live on my own. gumawa ng mga sarili kong diskarte sa buhay. mga ganung bagay.





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