Numb

(supposedly posted last night)

On my way home, I was reminiscing my conversation with Papsi about my situation. I just can’t believe that no matter how much details I spilled out, no matter how unfair and cruel those details were, I didn’t feel pain. There were no tears and long pauses that came from me as expected. Not even did I feel tightness in my chest like there’s something in my esophagus but trying my very best not to throw it out making it difficult for me to swallow, to breathe, to think clearly (that is the usual scenario when I’m fighting not to cry about a heartache). It seems like I only related someone else’s story. I do not know if that is a good indication that I can get over him easily.

I even managed to smile. Was that ironic or weird?

What’s more weird is that, I still didn’t feel pain while thinking about the whole conversation. Not even Papsi’s irritation and anger moved me to feel the same either for my man or for this situation. What is happening with my senses? I cannot imagine that something as serious as being in the danger of losing something I hold so dear in my heart will be casual for me to talk about. I am certain I was in love with my man when I entered a relationship with him. I fought for him and considered him as my destiny. So I cannot believe myself now for not feeling anything at all. Not even hatred nor pity for my self. I just can’t give up without finding an explanation to this. Or must I believe that something is wrong with me. Had I just anticipated really well what will happen this past two months? Or am I just fed up with everything?

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He texted me a while ago. He told me he’s sick. I ran out of prepaid so I cannot text him back. I do not know why I don’t feel worried about not being able to text back.