confirmed

we were hoping the news wasn't true but all those i have texted confirmed it. she died yesterday. cause of death: strangulation. for whatever reason, i don't know. i don't think anybody knows.

have you ever thought of taking your own life? the only time i remember i wished im dead was when i was cleaning the intestines of my dead rotting cat pudai, a specimen i had when i was still a bio student. i wanted to throw her away because i can't stop the decomposition from happening anymore. maggots were everywhere. gross. but i can't. i'm going to fail my anatomy class if i did so i just wished some mad man just come running out of nowhere and shot me in the head and it will all be over. babaw no? effect ata ng formalin yun. hehe.

seriously, i wish i knew her more. i wish at least she got a chance to talk to someone and felt loved, secured, and learn there's someone she can trust. for weeks now, i have been wishing to have a girl friend (oi not in a romantic way ha). someone i can chat all day about anything without having to think about solutions. someone who can bum around with me, perhaps we can go to some isolated beach and bask in the sun in our skimpy bikinis (yes, i have the guts). i only have a few girl friends and all of them are taken already. they have more responsibilities now and a regular date they can't just ignore. though i know my boys will always be there for me but it's still different to be with the girls. i can be kikay and all; wear make up, a fancy dress, and high heels without worrying that i will get teased and laughed at (my boys can be so unforgiving). but i still love my boys despite the fact that when im with them, i have to blend. nagmumukha na tuloy akong tomboy minsan.

i have added to my birthday wish list to have an unattached, carefree, girl friend who can stand my trippings in life (haha). it's just kind of sad that someone i have come across with committed suicide. we went to the same med school and same internship program. im just thinking, maybe i could be her friend. i could have been the one to be there for her, share my bedroom perhaps if she doesn't want to spend the night alone. and maybe, she wouldn't have thought of killing herself. hay. kalungkot.

if there's someone out there who meets the criteria above, or at least anyone who needs somebody, im just here. im alone too. we can hang out together and be happy.




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